Nothing Compares
(Originally posted March 4, 2011)
Then Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 NLT
It has occurred to me this week just how tired and overwhelmed I have been lately. I have, at times, felt like an extremely unrecognizable version of myself the past few weeks. Something has been missing, something hasn't been right. (and it's been more than just my low hemoglobin levels!)
The past few days, since Wednesday night really, I've realized that I haven't been doing what God asks me to when He tells me to COME to HIM. I've been so overwhelmed with all the "something elses" I've been getting every time I walk through the doors of one of my two doctors I am seeing this pregnancy, as well as just worn out from trying to play the role of wife, mommy, teacher, friend, daughter, sister, etc... Sadly, the first thing to slip was my prayer time and my Bible reading time. But on Wednesday night I read something that struck me. I read in my Purpose Driven Life book about how God wants to be my friend. My creator wants to be my friend! I had been talking with a friend about how special our friendship was because from the beginning of it, she'd been completely honest and open with me about her past and her current struggles, totally transparent allowing me to see all the work God has done in her life. It's one of the things that attracted me to her as a friend and one of the reasons that even though I've known her less than a year, she is one of the dearest and closest people to me. Her honesty and realness allowed me to be completely real, open, honest and vulnerable in my friendship with her, to share things with her that I haven't shared with people I've been friends with for years. And as I was thinking/discussing those things it occurred to me that if it was so "easy" in a friendship here on earth to let that occur then why was it that I'd been saved, walking with God, since I was 9 and yet didn't feel like I could always be so totally and completely honest with Him. What? Like He doesn't see all the gunk inside me anyways? Like He didn't knit me together in my mother's womb and know every last detail of how my life would pan out before I ever entered this world. But what is it about being so "real" with God that can be such a struggle for me? I think it's because I know how unbelievably perfect He is in every way...and I struggle to understand a love so passionate and unconditional that no matter what, WHAT, I do, think, feel, say, it still stands. It never fails. Ever. I don't understand it because I'm human, and I don't love that way. As much as I'd like to say I do, I don't. Yes, there are people in my life who have my unconditional love and always will. But they also have the "sin" part of me that sometimes just gets in the way of loving like God does.
But God, who knows me inside and out. Better than you. Better than Cliff. Better than my parents or my siblings. Better than I know myself even loves me and wants to be my friend. He wants ALL of me.
In the book I'm reading it says "You are as close to God as you want to be." Wow. I do have a close relationship with my Savior. But, I can't help but ask myself...am I as close to Him as he desires that I be? And I know the short answer. No. So, why not? Because of me.
An email devotion from our pastor this week really spoke to me on this matter. He said "The first building block of a deeper friendship with God is complete honesty-about your faults and your feelings. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, but he does insist on complete honesty. Every time you trust God's wisdom and do whatever he says-even when you don't understand it-you deepen your friendship with God."
So, recognizing that I find it so easy in particular earthly relationships to be completely honest...about my faults and my feelings...it's broken my heart this week that I have struggled to be so honest with God about how I am feeling about my fears with Will coming. He is opening my eyes to the freedom and rest that comes from coming to HIM when I am weary and carrying heavy burdens...because I have been reminded that He WILL give me rest. I do not have to carry the burdens, the fears of something possibly not being right with Will and his head measuring consistently 4 weeks behind each time I am measured...or the fear that I will by some freak incident die during surgery leaving both my boys (but Walker especially) without a mother....or the fear that I will lose Will before I even meet him. God already has it all taken care of...even if I don't understand it. I can rest. I can honestly say it is well with my soul.
This is my blog and these are my thoughts. I realize that this is an atypical blog post for me. When my world was rocked through losing my first child years ago, I wrote a good bit about God and the work he was doing in my life. I can't help but share when He's doing something magnificent, and I wanted to share this here. I am not sure why, but I felt compelled to do so.
One of my current favorite songs is "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. I love the entire song, but want to close this post with a few stanzas.
"You are peace, you are peace when my fear is crippling. You are true, you are true even in my wandering. You are joy, you are joy you're the reason that I sing. You are life, you are life in you death has lost it's sting! Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love, will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign! You are more, you are more than my words will ever say. You are Lord, you are Lord all creation will proclaim. You are here, you are here In your presence I'm made whole. You are God, you are God of all else I'm letting go!"
Then Jesus said, "Come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 NLT
It has occurred to me this week just how tired and overwhelmed I have been lately. I have, at times, felt like an extremely unrecognizable version of myself the past few weeks. Something has been missing, something hasn't been right. (and it's been more than just my low hemoglobin levels!)
The past few days, since Wednesday night really, I've realized that I haven't been doing what God asks me to when He tells me to COME to HIM. I've been so overwhelmed with all the "something elses" I've been getting every time I walk through the doors of one of my two doctors I am seeing this pregnancy, as well as just worn out from trying to play the role of wife, mommy, teacher, friend, daughter, sister, etc... Sadly, the first thing to slip was my prayer time and my Bible reading time. But on Wednesday night I read something that struck me. I read in my Purpose Driven Life book about how God wants to be my friend. My creator wants to be my friend! I had been talking with a friend about how special our friendship was because from the beginning of it, she'd been completely honest and open with me about her past and her current struggles, totally transparent allowing me to see all the work God has done in her life. It's one of the things that attracted me to her as a friend and one of the reasons that even though I've known her less than a year, she is one of the dearest and closest people to me. Her honesty and realness allowed me to be completely real, open, honest and vulnerable in my friendship with her, to share things with her that I haven't shared with people I've been friends with for years. And as I was thinking/discussing those things it occurred to me that if it was so "easy" in a friendship here on earth to let that occur then why was it that I'd been saved, walking with God, since I was 9 and yet didn't feel like I could always be so totally and completely honest with Him. What? Like He doesn't see all the gunk inside me anyways? Like He didn't knit me together in my mother's womb and know every last detail of how my life would pan out before I ever entered this world. But what is it about being so "real" with God that can be such a struggle for me? I think it's because I know how unbelievably perfect He is in every way...and I struggle to understand a love so passionate and unconditional that no matter what, WHAT, I do, think, feel, say, it still stands. It never fails. Ever. I don't understand it because I'm human, and I don't love that way. As much as I'd like to say I do, I don't. Yes, there are people in my life who have my unconditional love and always will. But they also have the "sin" part of me that sometimes just gets in the way of loving like God does.
But God, who knows me inside and out. Better than you. Better than Cliff. Better than my parents or my siblings. Better than I know myself even loves me and wants to be my friend. He wants ALL of me.
In the book I'm reading it says "You are as close to God as you want to be." Wow. I do have a close relationship with my Savior. But, I can't help but ask myself...am I as close to Him as he desires that I be? And I know the short answer. No. So, why not? Because of me.
An email devotion from our pastor this week really spoke to me on this matter. He said "The first building block of a deeper friendship with God is complete honesty-about your faults and your feelings. God doesn't expect you to be perfect, but he does insist on complete honesty. Every time you trust God's wisdom and do whatever he says-even when you don't understand it-you deepen your friendship with God."
So, recognizing that I find it so easy in particular earthly relationships to be completely honest...about my faults and my feelings...it's broken my heart this week that I have struggled to be so honest with God about how I am feeling about my fears with Will coming. He is opening my eyes to the freedom and rest that comes from coming to HIM when I am weary and carrying heavy burdens...because I have been reminded that He WILL give me rest. I do not have to carry the burdens, the fears of something possibly not being right with Will and his head measuring consistently 4 weeks behind each time I am measured...or the fear that I will by some freak incident die during surgery leaving both my boys (but Walker especially) without a mother....or the fear that I will lose Will before I even meet him. God already has it all taken care of...even if I don't understand it. I can rest. I can honestly say it is well with my soul.
This is my blog and these are my thoughts. I realize that this is an atypical blog post for me. When my world was rocked through losing my first child years ago, I wrote a good bit about God and the work he was doing in my life. I can't help but share when He's doing something magnificent, and I wanted to share this here. I am not sure why, but I felt compelled to do so.
One of my current favorite songs is "Forever Reign" by Hillsong. I love the entire song, but want to close this post with a few stanzas.
"You are peace, you are peace when my fear is crippling. You are true, you are true even in my wandering. You are joy, you are joy you're the reason that I sing. You are life, you are life in you death has lost it's sting! Oh, I'm running to your arms, I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love, will always be enough. Nothing compares to your embrace. Light of the world forever reign! You are more, you are more than my words will ever say. You are Lord, you are Lord all creation will proclaim. You are here, you are here In your presence I'm made whole. You are God, you are God of all else I'm letting go!"
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