Perfect Weakness
(Originally posted January 28, 2013)
I'm not sure I can truly catch you up on everything. There's so much that I have "lived" that's difficult to put into words, and unfortunately (though probably fortunately for you), not each of you can be here to live it with me and walk with me through it. But, I can tell you that I am in a new place...a place where I can say with 100% certaintly that the major struggles of my life are being removed from me, and I have been released from strong holds that have held me my entire life. I am experiencing an emotional healing that can only be accomplished through Jesus Christ.
Battles with insecurity in almost every area of my life, have been all-consuming to me at times. They have been painful and tough. They have held me back and caused me to doubt who God says I am. Insecurities in my appearance in my younger years, leading to developing a minor eating disorder and extremely unhealthy view of myself, insecurities in high school and college dating relationships, leading me to present myself in ways that were outside the will of God and in direct disobedience to what God desired for me. Shoot, in every dating relationship until round 2 (post college) with my sweet soul mate, when I watched as God washed away the fear that I couldnt be truly loved by a man and that no one would stick around long and replaced it with a confidence in a love that would outlive forever, because He gave me someone who esteemed me above all others, who loved me with all he had, who taught me to believe in true and godly love as he showered it upon me daily. Insecurities in practically every relationship I have ever held on Earth, whether it be friend, family or foe. Feelings of not being liked, but merely tolerated led me to place my eyes upon words that were never meant for me to read, and words that caused deep hurt and further insecurity. And Not just on one occasion. Insecurities in my ability to perform well in my job, in leadership roles in the workplace and at church, that held me back from fulfilling specific callings God placed on my life. Insecurities in my mothering abilities and what others thought of me and how I parented, causing me to feel that some thought I wasn't a good mom. Insecurities in my home and what we have. Or don't have, rather. You name it, I have probably struggled with feeling insecure about it at some point or another.
Insecurity can manifest itself in so many ways, and catch you off guard so many times. I have spent more than enough time allowing thoughts to consume me and rule over me that simply are not true. I have spent one too many hours consumed with paranoia about what someone thinks of me in whatever the situation may be. And its been hard. Its been real hard.
But something new has happened. A freedom I have not experienced before. I boldly say (at the risk of some thinking I am looney) that I have recently had an experience during a time of precious worship where I felt God himself physically lift my insecurities from me am I heard his voice say "It is finished. The struggle is over. Now watch as I use what Satan intended as harm for my glory." I'm not kidding y'all, it happened. And I don't care if you think I'm crazy. :)
I have often asked God in the midst of a battle with insecurity, when one would flare up, "Why? Why me?" I hated the battle. I hated the process of overcoming and the times of consumption. But something has changed.
I am 100% confident that at this point, I can honestly say I am thankful for each and every one of those struggles now. I can look back and love the battle. Even the ones that occurred in the very recent past. Because in the past month alone, God has used every major struggle I have ever had to minister to someone who is "there" now...and it's been amazing. I can see clear examples of how this was for that, and that was for this. "Oh, I had to struggle for days on end without relief on that one consuming and inaccurate thought so that when this lady, on this day, came to me with this issue I would be ever so able to empathize with her, to hear without judgement, to love without condemnation, to understand and to meet her where she's at, because hey-I've been there. And I've been rescued." (Hallelujah!!) Or, I lost a baby and dealt with intense anger towards God and the depression and pain that come from losing a child, so that when someone who is smack in the middle of a heartbreaking situation and wonders how God can allow their hurt and how any good could come of it, can hear how God used that time of my pain, anger, depression and heartbreak for good. For my good, for the good of others, for the good of His kingdom.
Examples are being laid out in front of me on an almost daily basis. There have been at least 15 women who have come to me about one thing or another, and God has just given me word after word of what to say to them. And y'all, those words and not my words. I am shocked myself by what comes out at times. I got in my car last night after Bible study and bawled my eyes out because of His goodness and how He is using what has caused me so much pain, doubt, insecurity and just troubling times to minister to and love on other women. Oh to have always had the faith and assurance in His power as I do now. Thank you, Jesus for mercy.
There have been times, even while putting my youngest to bed, and singing him to sleep with praise songs that I find myself, head tilted toward the heavens, arms lifted high, in complete praise and awareness of who He is. I am so captured by His love, that every ounce of me longs for time spent worshipping Him. I long to tell my story-to go more in depth-to minister to more women.
I am "feeling out" the possibility that God may be moving me in the direction of women's ministry in some form or another, whether it be to just continue leading Bible studies, sharing my story (like I did recently at a church event), or something bigger. I just don't know. I just hear Him telling me daily (and I really hear it), that today is another day He will use my former struggles for His glory. He keeps saying "watch and see. watch what I am going to do..." and everyday it gets more and more amazing.
The scripture in 2 Corinthians where Paul shares about his "thorn" that he has to bear, has been my life scripture for several years now. Paul pleads with God to remove his thorn, just as I have. Yet, God allowed the thorn to remain for a season because He knew the final story. He knew Paul and He knew the work He would do through Paul because of his thorn. (His intense struggle that daily caused him pain and difficulty, but daily, probably even hourly, reminded Him of how much he needed The Lord)
I definitely have had a thorn, (my life long, on going battle with insecurities) and I realized a while back that my thorn was given to me to bring God glory. I have known it for a while, but wasn't in a place at that point where I could be thankful for that, but I am now. Every bit of hurt, etc that I have dealt with has been leading me to a place where God can use me to minister to other women about the things we just don't want to talk about. Yet He keeps whispering to me, "talk about it..."
And when I tell you that the pain has been worth it, I am speaking in an understatement of terms. There are no words to describe how my heart cries thank you Jesus for allowing the struggle, so that I could receive the prize!!!
I've watched as He has placed people in my life over the past few years to help me work through that struggle, to help me work out my salvation with fear and trembling, to be a source of accountability to me when i really needed it, and I see how all of those things, along with the inner battles with Satan have worked together for the GOOD of His kingdom.
My thorn has been allowed in me, to keep me fully aquainted with the fact that I need Him so desperately, and that He is enough for me no matter what. And that I am enough. I am His portion, and He is my prize. I think for the first time in my life, I am realizing just how BIG God's plan is and in the past few months I have come to believe that I can really be loved and fully loved-and that realization came when I accepted that God can love me unconditionally, despite all the ugly that can be in my heart at times.
I am excited, y'all. I am so excited! He is doing a mighty work. This is my heart, every inside part of it, laid out for you. Because my story, the one He has written for me, it's quite beautiful. And yours is too. Seek Him, Ask of Him, Wrestle with Him, Pray to Him, Love Him, Believe Him. Trust Him when He says to you, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness." He loves you so. And for those that don't believe that, it's my honor to have struggled and suffered so that God willing, in the proper time, maybe part of my story unheard to your ears now, will be used by The Lord to help you realize just how magnificent He is and how magnificent He says you are.
I'm not sure I can truly catch you up on everything. There's so much that I have "lived" that's difficult to put into words, and unfortunately (though probably fortunately for you), not each of you can be here to live it with me and walk with me through it. But, I can tell you that I am in a new place...a place where I can say with 100% certaintly that the major struggles of my life are being removed from me, and I have been released from strong holds that have held me my entire life. I am experiencing an emotional healing that can only be accomplished through Jesus Christ.
Battles with insecurity in almost every area of my life, have been all-consuming to me at times. They have been painful and tough. They have held me back and caused me to doubt who God says I am. Insecurities in my appearance in my younger years, leading to developing a minor eating disorder and extremely unhealthy view of myself, insecurities in high school and college dating relationships, leading me to present myself in ways that were outside the will of God and in direct disobedience to what God desired for me. Shoot, in every dating relationship until round 2 (post college) with my sweet soul mate, when I watched as God washed away the fear that I couldnt be truly loved by a man and that no one would stick around long and replaced it with a confidence in a love that would outlive forever, because He gave me someone who esteemed me above all others, who loved me with all he had, who taught me to believe in true and godly love as he showered it upon me daily. Insecurities in practically every relationship I have ever held on Earth, whether it be friend, family or foe. Feelings of not being liked, but merely tolerated led me to place my eyes upon words that were never meant for me to read, and words that caused deep hurt and further insecurity. And Not just on one occasion. Insecurities in my ability to perform well in my job, in leadership roles in the workplace and at church, that held me back from fulfilling specific callings God placed on my life. Insecurities in my mothering abilities and what others thought of me and how I parented, causing me to feel that some thought I wasn't a good mom. Insecurities in my home and what we have. Or don't have, rather. You name it, I have probably struggled with feeling insecure about it at some point or another.
Insecurity can manifest itself in so many ways, and catch you off guard so many times. I have spent more than enough time allowing thoughts to consume me and rule over me that simply are not true. I have spent one too many hours consumed with paranoia about what someone thinks of me in whatever the situation may be. And its been hard. Its been real hard.
But something new has happened. A freedom I have not experienced before. I boldly say (at the risk of some thinking I am looney) that I have recently had an experience during a time of precious worship where I felt God himself physically lift my insecurities from me am I heard his voice say "It is finished. The struggle is over. Now watch as I use what Satan intended as harm for my glory." I'm not kidding y'all, it happened. And I don't care if you think I'm crazy. :)
I have often asked God in the midst of a battle with insecurity, when one would flare up, "Why? Why me?" I hated the battle. I hated the process of overcoming and the times of consumption. But something has changed.
I am 100% confident that at this point, I can honestly say I am thankful for each and every one of those struggles now. I can look back and love the battle. Even the ones that occurred in the very recent past. Because in the past month alone, God has used every major struggle I have ever had to minister to someone who is "there" now...and it's been amazing. I can see clear examples of how this was for that, and that was for this. "Oh, I had to struggle for days on end without relief on that one consuming and inaccurate thought so that when this lady, on this day, came to me with this issue I would be ever so able to empathize with her, to hear without judgement, to love without condemnation, to understand and to meet her where she's at, because hey-I've been there. And I've been rescued." (Hallelujah!!) Or, I lost a baby and dealt with intense anger towards God and the depression and pain that come from losing a child, so that when someone who is smack in the middle of a heartbreaking situation and wonders how God can allow their hurt and how any good could come of it, can hear how God used that time of my pain, anger, depression and heartbreak for good. For my good, for the good of others, for the good of His kingdom.
Examples are being laid out in front of me on an almost daily basis. There have been at least 15 women who have come to me about one thing or another, and God has just given me word after word of what to say to them. And y'all, those words and not my words. I am shocked myself by what comes out at times. I got in my car last night after Bible study and bawled my eyes out because of His goodness and how He is using what has caused me so much pain, doubt, insecurity and just troubling times to minister to and love on other women. Oh to have always had the faith and assurance in His power as I do now. Thank you, Jesus for mercy.
There have been times, even while putting my youngest to bed, and singing him to sleep with praise songs that I find myself, head tilted toward the heavens, arms lifted high, in complete praise and awareness of who He is. I am so captured by His love, that every ounce of me longs for time spent worshipping Him. I long to tell my story-to go more in depth-to minister to more women.
I am "feeling out" the possibility that God may be moving me in the direction of women's ministry in some form or another, whether it be to just continue leading Bible studies, sharing my story (like I did recently at a church event), or something bigger. I just don't know. I just hear Him telling me daily (and I really hear it), that today is another day He will use my former struggles for His glory. He keeps saying "watch and see. watch what I am going to do..." and everyday it gets more and more amazing.
The scripture in 2 Corinthians where Paul shares about his "thorn" that he has to bear, has been my life scripture for several years now. Paul pleads with God to remove his thorn, just as I have. Yet, God allowed the thorn to remain for a season because He knew the final story. He knew Paul and He knew the work He would do through Paul because of his thorn. (His intense struggle that daily caused him pain and difficulty, but daily, probably even hourly, reminded Him of how much he needed The Lord)
I definitely have had a thorn, (my life long, on going battle with insecurities) and I realized a while back that my thorn was given to me to bring God glory. I have known it for a while, but wasn't in a place at that point where I could be thankful for that, but I am now. Every bit of hurt, etc that I have dealt with has been leading me to a place where God can use me to minister to other women about the things we just don't want to talk about. Yet He keeps whispering to me, "talk about it..."
And when I tell you that the pain has been worth it, I am speaking in an understatement of terms. There are no words to describe how my heart cries thank you Jesus for allowing the struggle, so that I could receive the prize!!!
I've watched as He has placed people in my life over the past few years to help me work through that struggle, to help me work out my salvation with fear and trembling, to be a source of accountability to me when i really needed it, and I see how all of those things, along with the inner battles with Satan have worked together for the GOOD of His kingdom.
My thorn has been allowed in me, to keep me fully aquainted with the fact that I need Him so desperately, and that He is enough for me no matter what. And that I am enough. I am His portion, and He is my prize. I think for the first time in my life, I am realizing just how BIG God's plan is and in the past few months I have come to believe that I can really be loved and fully loved-and that realization came when I accepted that God can love me unconditionally, despite all the ugly that can be in my heart at times.
I am excited, y'all. I am so excited! He is doing a mighty work. This is my heart, every inside part of it, laid out for you. Because my story, the one He has written for me, it's quite beautiful. And yours is too. Seek Him, Ask of Him, Wrestle with Him, Pray to Him, Love Him, Believe Him. Trust Him when He says to you, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness." He loves you so. And for those that don't believe that, it's my honor to have struggled and suffered so that God willing, in the proper time, maybe part of my story unheard to your ears now, will be used by The Lord to help you realize just how magnificent He is and how magnificent He says you are.
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