Do Not Lose Heart
(Originally posted January 3, 2013)
(dear reader: this is long. this is your warning. please read it anyway-and read it all the way through. my tired fingers, i feel certain are crippled by carpal tunnel, thank you)
"I just don't feel like I am good enough. Not good enough at being a mom, at keeping my house up, at being a friend, at serving God...I just don't feel like I am doing a very good job...I just don't like myself very much right now" I confessed as I sat at my kitchen table with three women very dear to me as I broke into tears held back too long after sending my oldest child to his room for once again not minding me. Whatever he did in that moment wasn't a huge deal, but the build up behind it was. It was enough to confirm in my head, again, that I am not good enough-not good enough to raise a child who respects me, not good enough to deserve this incredible man God has given me (who constantly wraps his arms around me in loving support), not good enough to have people really love me, and unwilling to believe that beneath the surface of my outer presence there lies nothing good. Then I listened as someone I love shared how they feel about me, how they see me, and I wished so badly that I could see myself the way she did.
For whatever reason, I've struggled my whole life to believe that I am lovable, that I can be truly loved and not just merely tolerated. The how and why behind the struggle doesn't matter, I have come to realize. It comes and it goes, this struggle. But it's always there...lingering, waiting for it's next turn to flare up. But it's run it's course. It's just time to be renewed.
It seems this dislike for myself had increased greatly recently-perhaps it's because I am around for all the four star performances-I see my meltdowns, I feel the burdens of going to bed and wondering if my children will remember me for the time I spent with them,or for the (more frequent, it seems) time I run around picking up after them, griping because everything around us is a constant mess, sighing heavily and complaining to their Daddy that I just can't handle it when the little one won't go to bed at night, but rather screams for two hours on end because it steals any chance of having some quality time with my spouse, any time to exercise or read. Maybe it's because of the run away thoughts I have in my head constantly-I left the sippy cup, again...I am a terrible mom. I can't even remember the necessities for my children when we go out. She didn't return my text, maybe I just don't matter to her as much as she does to me. It's probably just time to distance myself. So and so made an off hand comment on facebook, maybe it was about me-forget the fact that we haven't really communicated in years. I failed to say thank you for a very generous gift, I'm a terribly ungreatful example of someone who says they love Jesus. Husband asks me a question, kids are on my nerves, I bark at husband. He's so awesome and helpful to me, why couldn't I have just answered him in love. Because I am a jerk. Leave lunch table at work to heat food, come back and it seems quiet, could they have been talking about how unorganized I am these days? Of course they are. Notice how calm and collected she is with her kids who are clearly going crazy, she must be a better mom than me. She would never lose her cool. Husband talking to me while blogging, inner annoyance sets in. (oops...did I type that just now?) Discipline my child around someone whose approval matters greatly to me,worry they think I am a bad mom. They do.They have to. I am. Someone makes a comment out of concern for me, I harbor it for months, feeling hurt and astonished at how off base they are and paranoid about how they must view my family and home. Tired. Irritated. Annoyed. Overwhelmed. Chaotic. Hurting. Insecure. Impatient. Unraveled. Unglued. That's me. Well, that WAS me. And after hearing all that, we all know I'm a headcase. It's funny though-as head cases, go, I am a quite happy one. One who despite my negative inner voice, has a life giving joy inside me because of Jesus.
(husband is STILL talking my head off while I try to blog...)
I made a decision when I was 9 to be a Christ follower. In those short 9 years, I hadn't faced much adversity yet. But still, I knew I needed a Savior. What I didn't fully understand then, and am still learning today is just how much God loves me. He doesn't just love me when I shine or when I make a choice publicly to stand for him. He loves me when I blow up, when I allow the ridiculous run away thoughts to totally dominate my mind to the point of not being able to fully focus on anything else. He loves me when I go to bed praying I have another morning with my children and husband to show them how much I love them, because I feel I have blown it this day. He loves me when a family members hurts my feelings and I fire back. He loves me when I forget that the only One I really have to find approval in is Christ. He loves me when I am in his Word and he loves me when I go days, weeks, or months without a consistent quiet time with Him. He. Just. Loves. Me.
One night recently I was feeling aggravated with myself. A dear, dear sister in Christ had asked me to teach our shared class for her because she had a family emergency come up. I found out 1 hour before the class was supposed to start, and though I was awake, I was still laying in bed. I hadn't looked at the lesson, didn't have a craft planned and was looking REALLY forward to being in big church that morning. Of course, I told her I would teach for her with cheer in my voice, but in my heart I felt anything but cheer. I got out of bed griping that this was so typical...of course I wouldn't get to sit in church, of course I would have to go into a class of K-2nd graders unprepared and figure out how to smile and somehow keep them occupied for an hour and a half. I huffed and puffed around the house all morning and I was ashamed of myself. What kind of person who says they love Jesus acts this way, I thought? How does a Christian have an attitude like this, I wonder... The day went on, the class went fine, the smile came naturally, those precious faces touched my heart, the appreciation of my friend brought joy to my heart, and I became genuinely glad I was able to help her. Still I couldn't shake the feeling of shame I felt about my behind the scenes behavior. Hours later, I was in a full fledged mode of doubting my salvation, reasoning that people who love Jesus just don't act that way. I was just 9, maybe it wasn't genuine. Well, I got news for you-people who love Jesus DO act like that (because I did) and yes, it was genuine when I decided to give him my life, because he gently assured me of that. I confided in my friend that I was struggling with this salvation issue and she reminded me of the desire I have daily to live my life for Jesus, to grow my children to know His truths, she reminded me of the times that I have known for certain He was speaking to my heart and of the prayers I've seen answered. She reminded me that people who aren't saved, don't desire the closeness with Jesus that I do and they don't have multiple stories of His guidance and comfort in their lives.This friend knows my struggles inside and out, better than anyone besides my husband. She knows when Satan is attacking me before I ever ask for prayer. I am so thankful for this friend. These are all things I knew, but in my state of beating myself up chose not to focus on, therefore losing focus on what is really true.
I've realized recently, that I feel unlovable and not good enough because I actively choose to focus on my short comings. I choose to let myself be engulfed by the pressures of this world. I choose to try and handle it myself way too often. (I'm a bit of a control freak...my husband will attest to this as I go behind him as he ever so wonderfully does his share of the housework, so I can do it "right...")
I had fallen into the pattern of just making it-just taking things as they come, focusing on my inadequacies, worrying too much about what people think, letting ridiculous paranoid thoughts rule me instead of focusing on what I know to be true. God loves me. I will never understand his love, but if I choose to follow him I must choose to believe he can love all my ugly. I have an amazing husband who is truly my best friend, the most amazing dad to our boys, both in disicpline, fun and spiritual upbringing. He is my helpmate and my other half and he is first a family man. I am a good mom. I love my boys more than anything, and I may at times have to make choices that others don't agree with, but they are my children. I act in love and only love. My boys know they are loved. I have wonderful extended family, that love and support me. I have amazing best friends who love me for exactly who I am. What other people think about me and say about me doesn't matter. Those people have no measure on my life, and I don't live to please them. These are things I know to be true. Now, and forever, I choose to focus on truth-the truth of God's Word and the truth of His love for me.
With the pressures of life, I just quit focusing on the One who gives life. My prayer life began to crumble, my worship for my Savior began to be a Sunday morning thing, and I lost focus on what really mattered. Don't misunderstand-I didn't lose my salvation, nor did God give up on me. I just simply quit making my priority to meet with Him. Truth wasn't filling my mind, therefore untruth was overflowing into every facet of my life. Lysa TerKeurst says it well here:
Here's the thing, y'all. I'm not one to act like things are peachy keen when they aren't. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. But more than that, I see every weakness as an opportunity for God to do work in my life...and when He's working, I have to share. I just have to. I simply cannot be quiet when His work is so amazing. He doesn't waste a hurt, and he doesn't allow us to go through difficulty in vain. I talk about my struggles because I know other women struggle this way too. I have had lady after lady tell me that I talk about the things that ALL women struggle with,but aren't willing to air. Having one woman tell me how much it helps her to here my struggles was all I needed to know that God made me this open book for a reason-nevermind that I have had probably a dozen tell me that.
It's funny when we start listening to the beautiful people see in us. I had someone recently, who quite honestly I have on a pedastal as a mother, tell me that she had the thought earlier that week, that she bets I never fall apart the way she was with her kids that day. Are you kidding me? I am the queen of falling apart. But God is the King of putting me back together. And of course, it never hurts to hear that someone you think so highly of, sees you in a good light as well. More importantly, what matters most is focusing on what God says about me-and he says I am created in the image of the almighty God, and that He loves me! He says he makes ALL things new. He says that His power is made perfect in my weakness and that His merices for me are new every single morning.
So, my house is a mess...I am thankful my children have arms and legs that function properly and they can make a mess...
My baby won't fall asleep...I am thankful he has a voice that he can use to communicate with me...(and thankful for a husband who handles it much more gracefully than i do)
I don't get to exercise...I am thankful my husband reminds me on a (sometimes too often) daily basis how attracted he is to me...
My five year old smarted off to me...I am thankful God has given me an opportunity to lovingly discipline him and grow him in truth...
I left the sippy cup...I am not a failure. I am a mom who left a sippy cup. At least I remembered the baby. Sheesh!
I cannot tell you the joy that has encompassed me recently and the vivid awareness I have of Jesus holding my hand and reminding me that I am quite lovable and lovely. And let me just say it doesn't hurt that he gave me a man who lifts me up, calls me beautiful, loves me when I feel ugly, supports me, listens to me, reminds me who I am, and calls me "his life..." God takes care of his children. Salvation isn't something we can earn, nor is Christianity soley about following all the rules. It's a gift of grace, open to anyone, if you will simply accept it and believe that He can love you. Yes, even you. Trust Him. Don't delay. He loves you so.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
~2 Corinthians 4:16
(dear reader: this is long. this is your warning. please read it anyway-and read it all the way through. my tired fingers, i feel certain are crippled by carpal tunnel, thank you)
"I just don't feel like I am good enough. Not good enough at being a mom, at keeping my house up, at being a friend, at serving God...I just don't feel like I am doing a very good job...I just don't like myself very much right now" I confessed as I sat at my kitchen table with three women very dear to me as I broke into tears held back too long after sending my oldest child to his room for once again not minding me. Whatever he did in that moment wasn't a huge deal, but the build up behind it was. It was enough to confirm in my head, again, that I am not good enough-not good enough to raise a child who respects me, not good enough to deserve this incredible man God has given me (who constantly wraps his arms around me in loving support), not good enough to have people really love me, and unwilling to believe that beneath the surface of my outer presence there lies nothing good. Then I listened as someone I love shared how they feel about me, how they see me, and I wished so badly that I could see myself the way she did.
For whatever reason, I've struggled my whole life to believe that I am lovable, that I can be truly loved and not just merely tolerated. The how and why behind the struggle doesn't matter, I have come to realize. It comes and it goes, this struggle. But it's always there...lingering, waiting for it's next turn to flare up. But it's run it's course. It's just time to be renewed.
It seems this dislike for myself had increased greatly recently-perhaps it's because I am around for all the four star performances-I see my meltdowns, I feel the burdens of going to bed and wondering if my children will remember me for the time I spent with them,or for the (more frequent, it seems) time I run around picking up after them, griping because everything around us is a constant mess, sighing heavily and complaining to their Daddy that I just can't handle it when the little one won't go to bed at night, but rather screams for two hours on end because it steals any chance of having some quality time with my spouse, any time to exercise or read. Maybe it's because of the run away thoughts I have in my head constantly-I left the sippy cup, again...I am a terrible mom. I can't even remember the necessities for my children when we go out. She didn't return my text, maybe I just don't matter to her as much as she does to me. It's probably just time to distance myself. So and so made an off hand comment on facebook, maybe it was about me-forget the fact that we haven't really communicated in years. I failed to say thank you for a very generous gift, I'm a terribly ungreatful example of someone who says they love Jesus. Husband asks me a question, kids are on my nerves, I bark at husband. He's so awesome and helpful to me, why couldn't I have just answered him in love. Because I am a jerk. Leave lunch table at work to heat food, come back and it seems quiet, could they have been talking about how unorganized I am these days? Of course they are. Notice how calm and collected she is with her kids who are clearly going crazy, she must be a better mom than me. She would never lose her cool. Husband talking to me while blogging, inner annoyance sets in. (oops...did I type that just now?) Discipline my child around someone whose approval matters greatly to me,worry they think I am a bad mom. They do.They have to. I am. Someone makes a comment out of concern for me, I harbor it for months, feeling hurt and astonished at how off base they are and paranoid about how they must view my family and home. Tired. Irritated. Annoyed. Overwhelmed. Chaotic. Hurting. Insecure. Impatient. Unraveled. Unglued. That's me. Well, that WAS me. And after hearing all that, we all know I'm a headcase. It's funny though-as head cases, go, I am a quite happy one. One who despite my negative inner voice, has a life giving joy inside me because of Jesus.
(husband is STILL talking my head off while I try to blog...)
I made a decision when I was 9 to be a Christ follower. In those short 9 years, I hadn't faced much adversity yet. But still, I knew I needed a Savior. What I didn't fully understand then, and am still learning today is just how much God loves me. He doesn't just love me when I shine or when I make a choice publicly to stand for him. He loves me when I blow up, when I allow the ridiculous run away thoughts to totally dominate my mind to the point of not being able to fully focus on anything else. He loves me when I go to bed praying I have another morning with my children and husband to show them how much I love them, because I feel I have blown it this day. He loves me when a family members hurts my feelings and I fire back. He loves me when I forget that the only One I really have to find approval in is Christ. He loves me when I am in his Word and he loves me when I go days, weeks, or months without a consistent quiet time with Him. He. Just. Loves. Me.
One night recently I was feeling aggravated with myself. A dear, dear sister in Christ had asked me to teach our shared class for her because she had a family emergency come up. I found out 1 hour before the class was supposed to start, and though I was awake, I was still laying in bed. I hadn't looked at the lesson, didn't have a craft planned and was looking REALLY forward to being in big church that morning. Of course, I told her I would teach for her with cheer in my voice, but in my heart I felt anything but cheer. I got out of bed griping that this was so typical...of course I wouldn't get to sit in church, of course I would have to go into a class of K-2nd graders unprepared and figure out how to smile and somehow keep them occupied for an hour and a half. I huffed and puffed around the house all morning and I was ashamed of myself. What kind of person who says they love Jesus acts this way, I thought? How does a Christian have an attitude like this, I wonder... The day went on, the class went fine, the smile came naturally, those precious faces touched my heart, the appreciation of my friend brought joy to my heart, and I became genuinely glad I was able to help her. Still I couldn't shake the feeling of shame I felt about my behind the scenes behavior. Hours later, I was in a full fledged mode of doubting my salvation, reasoning that people who love Jesus just don't act that way. I was just 9, maybe it wasn't genuine. Well, I got news for you-people who love Jesus DO act like that (because I did) and yes, it was genuine when I decided to give him my life, because he gently assured me of that. I confided in my friend that I was struggling with this salvation issue and she reminded me of the desire I have daily to live my life for Jesus, to grow my children to know His truths, she reminded me of the times that I have known for certain He was speaking to my heart and of the prayers I've seen answered. She reminded me that people who aren't saved, don't desire the closeness with Jesus that I do and they don't have multiple stories of His guidance and comfort in their lives.This friend knows my struggles inside and out, better than anyone besides my husband. She knows when Satan is attacking me before I ever ask for prayer. I am so thankful for this friend. These are all things I knew, but in my state of beating myself up chose not to focus on, therefore losing focus on what is really true.
I've realized recently, that I feel unlovable and not good enough because I actively choose to focus on my short comings. I choose to let myself be engulfed by the pressures of this world. I choose to try and handle it myself way too often. (I'm a bit of a control freak...my husband will attest to this as I go behind him as he ever so wonderfully does his share of the housework, so I can do it "right...")
I had fallen into the pattern of just making it-just taking things as they come, focusing on my inadequacies, worrying too much about what people think, letting ridiculous paranoid thoughts rule me instead of focusing on what I know to be true. God loves me. I will never understand his love, but if I choose to follow him I must choose to believe he can love all my ugly. I have an amazing husband who is truly my best friend, the most amazing dad to our boys, both in disicpline, fun and spiritual upbringing. He is my helpmate and my other half and he is first a family man. I am a good mom. I love my boys more than anything, and I may at times have to make choices that others don't agree with, but they are my children. I act in love and only love. My boys know they are loved. I have wonderful extended family, that love and support me. I have amazing best friends who love me for exactly who I am. What other people think about me and say about me doesn't matter. Those people have no measure on my life, and I don't live to please them. These are things I know to be true. Now, and forever, I choose to focus on truth-the truth of God's Word and the truth of His love for me.
With the pressures of life, I just quit focusing on the One who gives life. My prayer life began to crumble, my worship for my Savior began to be a Sunday morning thing, and I lost focus on what really mattered. Don't misunderstand-I didn't lose my salvation, nor did God give up on me. I just simply quit making my priority to meet with Him. Truth wasn't filling my mind, therefore untruth was overflowing into every facet of my life. Lysa TerKeurst says it well here:
Here's the thing, y'all. I'm not one to act like things are peachy keen when they aren't. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. But more than that, I see every weakness as an opportunity for God to do work in my life...and when He's working, I have to share. I just have to. I simply cannot be quiet when His work is so amazing. He doesn't waste a hurt, and he doesn't allow us to go through difficulty in vain. I talk about my struggles because I know other women struggle this way too. I have had lady after lady tell me that I talk about the things that ALL women struggle with,but aren't willing to air. Having one woman tell me how much it helps her to here my struggles was all I needed to know that God made me this open book for a reason-nevermind that I have had probably a dozen tell me that.
It's funny when we start listening to the beautiful people see in us. I had someone recently, who quite honestly I have on a pedastal as a mother, tell me that she had the thought earlier that week, that she bets I never fall apart the way she was with her kids that day. Are you kidding me? I am the queen of falling apart. But God is the King of putting me back together. And of course, it never hurts to hear that someone you think so highly of, sees you in a good light as well. More importantly, what matters most is focusing on what God says about me-and he says I am created in the image of the almighty God, and that He loves me! He says he makes ALL things new. He says that His power is made perfect in my weakness and that His merices for me are new every single morning.
So, my house is a mess...I am thankful my children have arms and legs that function properly and they can make a mess...
My baby won't fall asleep...I am thankful he has a voice that he can use to communicate with me...(and thankful for a husband who handles it much more gracefully than i do)
I don't get to exercise...I am thankful my husband reminds me on a (sometimes too often) daily basis how attracted he is to me...
My five year old smarted off to me...I am thankful God has given me an opportunity to lovingly discipline him and grow him in truth...
I left the sippy cup...I am not a failure. I am a mom who left a sippy cup. At least I remembered the baby. Sheesh!
I cannot tell you the joy that has encompassed me recently and the vivid awareness I have of Jesus holding my hand and reminding me that I am quite lovable and lovely. And let me just say it doesn't hurt that he gave me a man who lifts me up, calls me beautiful, loves me when I feel ugly, supports me, listens to me, reminds me who I am, and calls me "his life..." God takes care of his children. Salvation isn't something we can earn, nor is Christianity soley about following all the rules. It's a gift of grace, open to anyone, if you will simply accept it and believe that He can love you. Yes, even you. Trust Him. Don't delay. He loves you so.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
~2 Corinthians 4:16
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