One Month Out
(Originally posted November 3, 2006)
So much has changed in my life in the past month. There are a few things that I am realizing lately will always be the same or will change/grow in a positive manner. One of those is my husband's love for me and his never ending compassion and understanding. Another is my relationship with a few specific friends and how no matter what life throws our way or where we go/what we go through they will always be there for me, each playing their own very special role. Still another, the tremendous amount of family support that we have from Cliff's parents, my mom's family, my dad's family, our aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings. These people have supplied us so so much love and support over the past month. Most importantly, the way that the Lord always cradles His children securely in His arms and holds on for dear life, even when the child barely has the strength to wrap her arms back around Him. For the first time in my spiritual life, I have experienced emotions and difficulties in my relationship with the Lord that I never dreamed I'd face. God has allowed me to go through a difficult time and just as He did for Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, He has delivered me from through fire. See, sometimes God delivers us from the fire, other times he delivers us through the fire and perhaps even He may deliver us by the fire. In my case, I've been delivered through the fire. I walked through the fire and I found it hard to open up to the one who would understand me better than any other, my precious Lord. I never had difficulty accepting my situation, because my deep rooted faith allowed me to cling to knowing that His plan is always greater than our own. My struggle came with being content with it and mostly with allowing others to see that I wasn't content and that was ok. Through this fire my faith has been reignited but don't miss that I had to walk through the fire first. The Lord did something awesome in my life last Sunday night and for days I've wrestled with how to share this with those that I haven't shared it with yet because I feel it's such a powerful testimony of How faithful He truly is. Basically what I've come to is this-you don't get the background info, you don't get to know my emotions and feelings...you get to hear what God did, what God is doing. Sunday night I found myself alone in my house for the first time in as long as I can remember. We've been so busy lately that alone time has been few and far between. I tried to sit down and complete a Bible study I was doing with some wonderful ladies at my church and I just wasn't feeling it. I felt so distant and faraway from the Lord and I knew I'd been trying to force myself to seek Him through a study that He hadn't intended to be for me at the moment because He had more important things on his agenda. After calling 4 different friends and not a single one being available (this is so rare) I finally threw my hands up in the air and said "FINE! I'll do it your way." And yes, I really said that. Because see, I knew when I made that first phone call I was running...and then the second to a friend who hasn't been anywhere close to where I am, not even married yet but still I find so much comfort in her voice, then another call to another friend and yet one more call to one more friend. I yanked my Bible up and it fell open to Lamentations 3. So many times in my life I've asked God to please let me open my Bible and it be just what I needed to read. Well, never happened...until this night and I didnt't even ask for it. He knows what we need and when we need it. Asking wasn't necessary. This scripture spoke to me greatly in a way that can't even be explained because it was such an intimate moment with my Savior, with Him bringing me back into his embrace that maybe I'd been fighting to get out of. Here is a snipit of what you'll read there. "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. THEY ARE NEW EVERY MORNING; GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him..."
Just the day before, Jenny had reminded me that God's faithfulness is new every morning and my thoughts were "I already know this..." but the second part of her statement was what struck me the most "we just have to wake up and claim it..." I hadn't been claiming what He was offering me because I wanted it my way. I wanted my baby. But you see, God knows what we need and sometimes our wants just aren't healthy for us. The rest of the evening is very personal, but I feel a nearness to God now that is bringing me out of this dark place that I've been lurking and I know that His arms are holding me tight, even when I fight them. I wanted to share my story with you all because I feel pushed to do so. I simply cannot ignore His prompting for me to lay myself out there and admit that without Him I am nothing. Without Him, I'd truly fail. My husband is outstanding, my family is more supportive than I could have ever asked them to be, my friends are the best in the world and I am so blessed to have them. But my Jesus-He's a treasure, He's holy, He loves me in a way that no one will ever be able to measure up to. With all the change, He's the one constant in my life. The one thing that's guaranteed to never be moved.
Now, one month out I am beginning to see purpose in His plan. I recognize that His plan is ultimately and always the best plan and that no amount of fighting off His comfort will seperate me from how deeply He loves me. Trust Him.
So much has changed in my life in the past month. There are a few things that I am realizing lately will always be the same or will change/grow in a positive manner. One of those is my husband's love for me and his never ending compassion and understanding. Another is my relationship with a few specific friends and how no matter what life throws our way or where we go/what we go through they will always be there for me, each playing their own very special role. Still another, the tremendous amount of family support that we have from Cliff's parents, my mom's family, my dad's family, our aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings. These people have supplied us so so much love and support over the past month. Most importantly, the way that the Lord always cradles His children securely in His arms and holds on for dear life, even when the child barely has the strength to wrap her arms back around Him. For the first time in my spiritual life, I have experienced emotions and difficulties in my relationship with the Lord that I never dreamed I'd face. God has allowed me to go through a difficult time and just as He did for Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, He has delivered me from through fire. See, sometimes God delivers us from the fire, other times he delivers us through the fire and perhaps even He may deliver us by the fire. In my case, I've been delivered through the fire. I walked through the fire and I found it hard to open up to the one who would understand me better than any other, my precious Lord. I never had difficulty accepting my situation, because my deep rooted faith allowed me to cling to knowing that His plan is always greater than our own. My struggle came with being content with it and mostly with allowing others to see that I wasn't content and that was ok. Through this fire my faith has been reignited but don't miss that I had to walk through the fire first. The Lord did something awesome in my life last Sunday night and for days I've wrestled with how to share this with those that I haven't shared it with yet because I feel it's such a powerful testimony of How faithful He truly is. Basically what I've come to is this-you don't get the background info, you don't get to know my emotions and feelings...you get to hear what God did, what God is doing. Sunday night I found myself alone in my house for the first time in as long as I can remember. We've been so busy lately that alone time has been few and far between. I tried to sit down and complete a Bible study I was doing with some wonderful ladies at my church and I just wasn't feeling it. I felt so distant and faraway from the Lord and I knew I'd been trying to force myself to seek Him through a study that He hadn't intended to be for me at the moment because He had more important things on his agenda. After calling 4 different friends and not a single one being available (this is so rare) I finally threw my hands up in the air and said "FINE! I'll do it your way." And yes, I really said that. Because see, I knew when I made that first phone call I was running...and then the second to a friend who hasn't been anywhere close to where I am, not even married yet but still I find so much comfort in her voice, then another call to another friend and yet one more call to one more friend. I yanked my Bible up and it fell open to Lamentations 3. So many times in my life I've asked God to please let me open my Bible and it be just what I needed to read. Well, never happened...until this night and I didnt't even ask for it. He knows what we need and when we need it. Asking wasn't necessary. This scripture spoke to me greatly in a way that can't even be explained because it was such an intimate moment with my Savior, with Him bringing me back into his embrace that maybe I'd been fighting to get out of. Here is a snipit of what you'll read there. "I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. THEY ARE NEW EVERY MORNING; GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for him..."
Just the day before, Jenny had reminded me that God's faithfulness is new every morning and my thoughts were "I already know this..." but the second part of her statement was what struck me the most "we just have to wake up and claim it..." I hadn't been claiming what He was offering me because I wanted it my way. I wanted my baby. But you see, God knows what we need and sometimes our wants just aren't healthy for us. The rest of the evening is very personal, but I feel a nearness to God now that is bringing me out of this dark place that I've been lurking and I know that His arms are holding me tight, even when I fight them. I wanted to share my story with you all because I feel pushed to do so. I simply cannot ignore His prompting for me to lay myself out there and admit that without Him I am nothing. Without Him, I'd truly fail. My husband is outstanding, my family is more supportive than I could have ever asked them to be, my friends are the best in the world and I am so blessed to have them. But my Jesus-He's a treasure, He's holy, He loves me in a way that no one will ever be able to measure up to. With all the change, He's the one constant in my life. The one thing that's guaranteed to never be moved.
Now, one month out I am beginning to see purpose in His plan. I recognize that His plan is ultimately and always the best plan and that no amount of fighting off His comfort will seperate me from how deeply He loves me. Trust Him.
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