The Ugly

(Originally posted March 19, 2012)

Isn't there ugly in us all? I am reminded of that through life's circumstances so often. And then I am reminded of God's mercy and grace. I am learning to be so thankful for the hard times because they develop in me a hunger and thirst for the things of God and for a closer walk with God...and sometimes even a hunger and thirst for my child to know just how much God loves him. Well, sometimes is putting it lightly.

I am going to warn you. This isn't a picture most moms would put on their blog, or much less show anyone. But this is just who I am. I don't see any reason to hide the reality. Our actions don't define us, and this instance doesn't define Walker. It is what it is. I texted it to a few "privileged" ones yesterday and really appreciated and enjoyed the feedback I got from those people. But, what I benefited from most was the time I spent in prayer for our sweet Walker this afternoon while he and Will took their (very highly unusual) late afternoon naps.

 

Apparently today with Judy, Walker got so incredibly upset about something that he did this. The TV you see on the floor normally sits on the wicker drawer set you see picture. The wicker drawer set also usually has it's drawers in tact. Walker, in an effort to blow off some steam, apparently went ripping the drawers out and shook the already wobbly wicker drawer set. The TV wiggled and in an effort that I can only assume was intended to gain more attention, Walker helped it hit the floor.

When I came in, Walker and Will were both asleep, and Judy told me about this situation. Judy and Walker are VERY close, and he's acted out a lot with her this year since Will's been in the picture. He's had Judy to himself for 3 solid school years now, so I can understand this. But I won't tolerate it.

While he slept I sat beside him. My mind envisioned him in a padded classroom at school, teachers whispering in the hallway about "that" kid...and then I stopped myself. Or maybe God stopped me. I remembered the "real" Walker, and saw past the misunderstood Walker. And I remembered God's faithfulness. I remembered how God has proven Himself faithful to us in all other situations in life that we have faced. I remembered that we have no reason to not trust that He will also prove Himself faithful in the rearing of our children. So, I began to pray. I prayed for my sweet child, over his life and heart, to desire to do good and act right and that he would know how to handle his emotions, or at least share them with us. Walker wants to do good. And most of the time, he does. I can see the pride in his little eyes when he knows he has made a good choice. When he knows that he's faced the battle between good and evil, and that good won. Because good always wins.

And I couldn't help but wonder, is this really all that different than how I act sometimes? No, I don't rip out wicker drawers, and I don't help TVs fall to the ground. But I do fall apart inside sometimes. I do let minor circumstances get me all riled up. I do give into the temptation to say destructive things to others or to myself. I do make choices that cause huge amounts of remorse and guilt in my life. Things I am forgiven for, but still have to face earthly consequences for. Just because I am developmentally past the stage of doing something such as this, there are things in my life that happen that are just too much for me to deal with. I hope and pray that in those times my child will see where I turn-to the One true Healer. The One true Deliver. The one who redeems us from all our wrong doings. The One who reminds me that no matter what we do, no matter how far we run from Him, or how much we hurt Him he still loves us.

So, yes, Walker is serving (and has received) several earthly consequences for his actions. But today, in the battle of good and evil, good won. Because good always wins. Rather than get down on my child and myself as a mom, I lifted him up to the One who will give him a hunger and thirst for righteousness and who WILL FILL him. I was able to respond to my child in love, but stern discipline. I was able to use this opportunity to share with him how magnificent God's love is for him, and how much his dad and I love him. I was able to show him in a real life example of how sometimes we just blow it, but that grace flows freely.

I am reminded of song lyrics by Laura Story "What if our greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? What if trials of this life, are our blessings in disguise..."

What a blessing to teach a child in the way he should go. I thank God for the discernment He gives to me and the mercy He so freely bestows on all of His children.