Weakness
(Originally posted December 13, 2011)
It's funny how others sometimes see you differently than you see yourself. I've thought about this a lot lately, as I've been called things like "the strong one..." "the cutest little thing..." "always so happy and wearing a smile..."
Sometimes the version of me that is reality is so far off from the version of me that I desire to be. Alright, not sometimes...a lot of times. More often than I would like to admit.
Today, I had a moment. My first "moment" in a while, I'd say. One thing after another went less than ideally at school...none of them big deals, but still "deals..." and none of them directly related to other people, or myself. Technology. Field trip plans. Lack.Of.Sleep.
As I walked off from my two teacher friends that I wound up throwing my arms up in the air with and saying "I can't take another thing today...I am tired . My child won't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't function. I just can't take another thing today..." I felt ashamed of the version of my self, the real self, that showed up in those few difficult moments of really, "no big dealness..."
A short time later, I was walking my students to specials...ah, a few minutes of peace and quiet, and I pass a lady who is new to our school this year. She doesn't really know me, though she is diagonally across the hall from me every single day. But, she doesn't KNOW me. And she says "I just think you are so cute. Everytime I see you, you are just so full of joy and always smiling." And I literally laughed out loud at her. She is across the hall from me, afterall...does she not HEAR me? Ever? When I have my moments? Then I couldn't help myself, and I said "you wouldn't be saying that if you'd seen me in the hallway ranting and crying earlier..." then smiled my apparently joy filled smile and walked off. The walk of shame. The walk of recognition of all the horrible, ugly things inside of me. The short temperedness. The impatience. The negative Nancy. The insecurities that have driven me to do and say so many crazy things, and even have pushed people away at times. The desire to be understood, and not misunderstood, by others walking this Earth. The way I strive to attain the approval of people who just.don't.matter. The way I over analyze so many things. The way I feel guilt over things that are completely out of my control and not my fault. The fact that I have at least one person (my across the hall neighbor) completely fooled. "I don't always smile. I don't always act so full of joy..." I thought as I walked off, and the conviction of that hit me in the heart like a ton of bricks.
And then the verse came to me...it couldn't have been more heavily laid on my heart, and a peace...you know that peace...the one that passes ALL understanding, came over me. God showed up, and reminded me that I am His. I do not belong to short temperedness. I do not belong to impatience. I do not belong to negativity. I do not belong to insecurity. I do not belong to others. I do not belong to misunderstanding. I do not belong to disapproval. I do not belong to guilt. I belong to God. I am a child of God. I am His child. He did, after all, send his Son to be born of a virgin, to save me.
And as he whispered softly to my heart, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness."
I gave into His promise, and I in return whispered "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
And then my heart rested. Because sometimes resting is all we can do. If we aren't weak, then we don't have any need to rely on a Savior. I am weak, and I need my Savior. And I am proud of that. He's not finished with me yet...
It's funny how others sometimes see you differently than you see yourself. I've thought about this a lot lately, as I've been called things like "the strong one..." "the cutest little thing..." "always so happy and wearing a smile..."
Sometimes the version of me that is reality is so far off from the version of me that I desire to be. Alright, not sometimes...a lot of times. More often than I would like to admit.
Today, I had a moment. My first "moment" in a while, I'd say. One thing after another went less than ideally at school...none of them big deals, but still "deals..." and none of them directly related to other people, or myself. Technology. Field trip plans. Lack.Of.Sleep.
As I walked off from my two teacher friends that I wound up throwing my arms up in the air with and saying "I can't take another thing today...I am tired . My child won't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't function. I just can't take another thing today..." I felt ashamed of the version of my self, the real self, that showed up in those few difficult moments of really, "no big dealness..."
A short time later, I was walking my students to specials...ah, a few minutes of peace and quiet, and I pass a lady who is new to our school this year. She doesn't really know me, though she is diagonally across the hall from me every single day. But, she doesn't KNOW me. And she says "I just think you are so cute. Everytime I see you, you are just so full of joy and always smiling." And I literally laughed out loud at her. She is across the hall from me, afterall...does she not HEAR me? Ever? When I have my moments? Then I couldn't help myself, and I said "you wouldn't be saying that if you'd seen me in the hallway ranting and crying earlier..." then smiled my apparently joy filled smile and walked off. The walk of shame. The walk of recognition of all the horrible, ugly things inside of me. The short temperedness. The impatience. The negative Nancy. The insecurities that have driven me to do and say so many crazy things, and even have pushed people away at times. The desire to be understood, and not misunderstood, by others walking this Earth. The way I strive to attain the approval of people who just.don't.matter. The way I over analyze so many things. The way I feel guilt over things that are completely out of my control and not my fault. The fact that I have at least one person (my across the hall neighbor) completely fooled. "I don't always smile. I don't always act so full of joy..." I thought as I walked off, and the conviction of that hit me in the heart like a ton of bricks.
And then the verse came to me...it couldn't have been more heavily laid on my heart, and a peace...you know that peace...the one that passes ALL understanding, came over me. God showed up, and reminded me that I am His. I do not belong to short temperedness. I do not belong to impatience. I do not belong to negativity. I do not belong to insecurity. I do not belong to others. I do not belong to misunderstanding. I do not belong to disapproval. I do not belong to guilt. I belong to God. I am a child of God. I am His child. He did, after all, send his Son to be born of a virgin, to save me.
And as he whispered softly to my heart, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness."
I gave into His promise, and I in return whispered "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
And then my heart rested. Because sometimes resting is all we can do. If we aren't weak, then we don't have any need to rely on a Savior. I am weak, and I need my Savior. And I am proud of that. He's not finished with me yet...
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