The One Size Fits All Child

As a teacher, I have struggled at times with expecting a certain quality of performance out of one child because you see it in another-this is especially true with teaching siblings a year or two within each other.  You expect that because a child is a model student, really smart, really well behaved, that this will automatically be the case for the sibling that comes behind them.  And well, most of the time it’s just not.  

 

When you birth a child of you own, you hear of how different the second child will be.  “You won’t believe they could come from the same two people…” others will say.  And while you are sure they know what they are talking about, you can’t quite understand how drastic the differences are until you experience it yourself.  It’s so beautiful to me, to see how God can create such individualistic traits in his children.

 

When you are a parent with a friend or family member who has a child near your child’s age, or an older child who you’ve watched grow and develop, you may expect or even hope for your own child to have those characteristics or interests.  Likely, they won’t-your child is who they are, and that’s exactly how God created them to be. 

 

Maybe you fall into the opposite end of the spectrum and find your own child so awesome, so desirable, so perfectly “you” wrapped into a small body that you boast, brag and put down others whose children aren’t. Maybe your child loves sports and is a star player, just as you were.  But your friend, who was also a star player in their day, is growing a child who finds his interest in books and science projects.  Be careful not to assume your child “better” because the other has different strengths that don’t match your criteria of what makes a child great.

 

There is no one size fits all child.  

 

I find myself so thankful for this awareness and so appreciative of it at this point in my life.

I was around someone once, who was very proud of their child for doing something that my child just didn’t want to do-

 

Didn’t bother me in the least that my child didn’t want to do it, but it did bother me that the adult who belonged to the other child was quick to point out to me how their child did the task and how well they did it, at that, and that my child wouldn’t do it…in front of my child.  I’m sure said adult didn’t mean to come across the way they did.  Comparison is just innate in us-we are human.  I used to struggle with it in a major way, so I recognize it in others.  (sometimes I still do struggle with it) And it’s not the adult I’m sad for, nor is it that their words offend me.  It’s the child, who may feel they have to be the one size fits all child-the one who feels they must perform a certain way to please their parents, that my heart hurts for.

 

I was blessed to be pregnant at the same time as my best friend.  We birthed beautiful babies exactly a week apart-one boy, one girl…two hearts beating wildly-

 

They grew and developed at very different rates in many areas.  Ava developed faster than Walker in some areas, and Walker faster than Ava in others. Still today we see that.  At one point when they were very young, Jenny and I actually had a conversation about the fact that we’d become a little competitive with our children.  Of course, you want your kid to be the best-that’s just normal human tendency.  But we both realized that the competition we (as the parents) were having with our kids, though they knew nothing of it, was unhealthy for our friendship, but more importantly for our children. 

 

Children need to believe, with all of their heart, that they are enough for their parents, just the way they are-that they are more than enough.  Since that point in my life, when Walker was very young, I’ve worked hard as a mom to make sure that Walker and Will know that they don’t have to be good at something, enjoy something, or participate in something just because Cliff or I are good at, enjoy or participate in. They don’t have to be like their friends either.  

 

At the same time, when they are stronger in a particular area than another child, we try to practice and teach humility rather than pride.   They are free to develop their own interests and dislikes in life.  Walker doesn’t really have a strong interest in sports at this point, which is totally different from his dad-but that’s ok.  They find their connection in other areas-their strong ability to find humor in other’s unfortunate situations like people falling on AFV, their love for Mario Cart racing, their shared passion for golf (which I guess is technically a sport…but about the only one Walker is interested in), movies and many other things.  

 

He also doesn’t have a strong interest in writing the way I do-in fact, he loathes writing.  He told me the other night that he thinks writing is stupid.  It’s hard for me to understand-I joke with others that I just don’t understand someone who doesn’t enjoy writing.  But I kid-because I know God has given me an individual who must explore the world and love what he loves, because he loves it-not because his mommy or daddy expect him to.  

 

One of my major parenting goals is to grow children who are comfortable in the knowledge that they are exactly who God created them to be and to embrace who they are and be proud of it.  I want them to know that there will be areas they aren’t the best in, and there will be many of those areas.  That’s ok.  I want them to know that being the best in my eyes, doesn’t mean they have to be the best in the world’s eyes, or do everything as good as someone else-they just have to be who they are.  It took me a minute to get to this place, but I learned that comparison is the thief of joy.  My boys are perfect to me, just the way they are.

 

Embrace those beautiful, individual, and precious qualities that make them who they are-whether it be their advanced ability to problem solve, their expansive vocabulary, their tendencies to not want to “perform” in front of a group, or their dislike or weakness in an area you love.  To expect them to be any other way is to expect them to wander from the path God put them on.  Let them be absolutely, without a doubt, ENOUGH in your eyes-and let them know it.  

(PS-I’m aware I do my fair share of boasting about my own children, because I AM so proud of who they are-but hopefully not at the expense of someone else’s child, or in a way that makes others feel I am one-upping.  I continually ask God to address my heart on this issue, if I feel I may even be the slightest bit tempted to fall back into the habit of comparison from either aspect of the spectrum.  I am not without fault, and I’m guilty at times.  I write from experience, and relish in how God grows me through it.)