I Worry What You Think
On the way home from school today, Walker and I had a great conversation-some days I get nothing out of him during the ride home, others we talk like he's my age. Today is one of those days where I feel like God laid out a conversation that I initially thought was meant for Walker, but in actuality was also probably meant for me.
He was talking to me about something, and how he worried about what his friends would think of him. He mentioned that a few kids in his class weren't like him in this way, and he said he was worried other kids would "look at him." He said that a few times, and it's as far as he went into detail, so I gathered on my own that he was afraid he'd be made fun of, talked about, or stand out. I asked him if he was worried about getting made fun of or what others thought about his choice and he said yes. (It's important to note, for purposes later in this post, that this hasn't actually happened yet-he's just thinking of what could happen or what people might think...)
Oh how I relate.
We had a pretty deep conversation about this. I talked, he asked questions, I attempted to answer the best I could. It was one of those moments with my child that I will remember forever, tackling the rough stuff, and him trusting me enough to be vulnerable and seek out my advice. (So very innocently unaware that I'm probably the last person he should ask advice from in this area)
At one point, our conversation went very close to this, in my attempt to relate his concern to areas he'd understand:
Me: Someone may call you a baby because you suck your thumb. Does that mean that you are a baby, just because they said you were?
Him: No
Me: Someone may call Mommy a crayon because I am so short. But, am I a crayon?
Him: (giggles) No!
(someone actually DID call me a crayon in middle school, but I'm definitely not holding a grudge...lol)
We went on from there, but as I was talking I said to him, "People are going to say and think all sorts of things about you. You cannot control what others say about you. Some people will say and think nice things and others will say and think mean things-this does not mean those things are true or that they define who you are. You have to choose to believe that what you know about yourself. Most importantly, you can find comfort in knowing that the only thing that REALLY matters is what God thinks about you, and he absolutely adores you." (I might have also added some mushy mommy love in there too...)
I used kid language of course, but it didn't deviate very much from what you just read. And he got it, he truly got it. His questions and comments back to me showed me that without a doubt, he is coming to understand that others may not always think about him what he would want them to but that's ok-
We talked about a few other things-the hundredth day of school coming up, why bad things happen on Earth, etc...but my mind was beginning to wander. As I was speaking those words to him earlier, I was soaking them in myself. Since I'm an open book here, I like to be honest about my struggles.
I am slap dab in the middle of a lifelong struggle with worrying about what people think of me. By the grace of God, this struggle that once consumed me, has greatly decreased. But from time to time, I have an episode where I get caught up in something, usually something ridiculous and I have a difficult time moving on. I will worry myself sick over what someone thinks about me, how I choose to handle my children's behavior, what I allow them to eat or drink and what time I allow them to eat or drink it, how I perform when I am leading out in something, whether I choose to vacation without one or both of my children, whether I let my child sleep in my bed or not (I do-guilty!), the list goes on and on and on...
Nine times out of ten, I am completely confident and comfortable with whatever issue/decision I've made, yet I will become consumed with what someone else thinks about my decisions in that area after having a conversation with them. Following me? This happens so very little these days, and I'm so thankful for how God's grown me in that area. But, I'm human and from time to time I struggle-
And folks-I'm there. Not because of the inconsideration of someone else, but because of allowing my own thoughts to run free. Not because someone said something to me about my decision being the wrong one, but because I think they may possibly, maybe probably, could very well tentatively think I'm wrong and feel the need to talk about it, with someone else. GASP!
Even I realize how silly this seems, but with every individual struggle, when you are in the middle of it-it's real to you. (despite the fact that your idea of what their opinion is could be absolutely made up in your head!)
God's been showing me some of my idols lately, and one of them is truly what others opinions of me are. When I am so focused on the opinions of others who may have a different way or doing something or a different theory about how it should be done, I am essentially saying that what they think of me, what they say about me, is more important than what God says about me. And when I consider it that way, it breaks my heart, because oh how I want to be so immersed in His love and His truths, that there is no room for consumption of other idols.
I have to believe that because I am a woman who seeks Him in everything I do, that the choices I make in how I raise my children, run my home, and other things are choices that are Spirit led, and honoring and pleasing to Him. They may be different than what someone else would do, but that's ok.
So, I have no lesson to leave you with tonight...for the lesson is mine to learn. Always this the case, but I don't typically write when it's so freshly ripe. I'd love to ask you to lift me up in prayer over the next few days. I'm asking God to redirect my thoughts, to help me deeply love those who I feel the most insecure around right now, and to remind me who I am in Him.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Philippians 4:8
He was talking to me about something, and how he worried about what his friends would think of him. He mentioned that a few kids in his class weren't like him in this way, and he said he was worried other kids would "look at him." He said that a few times, and it's as far as he went into detail, so I gathered on my own that he was afraid he'd be made fun of, talked about, or stand out. I asked him if he was worried about getting made fun of or what others thought about his choice and he said yes. (It's important to note, for purposes later in this post, that this hasn't actually happened yet-he's just thinking of what could happen or what people might think...)
Oh how I relate.
We had a pretty deep conversation about this. I talked, he asked questions, I attempted to answer the best I could. It was one of those moments with my child that I will remember forever, tackling the rough stuff, and him trusting me enough to be vulnerable and seek out my advice. (So very innocently unaware that I'm probably the last person he should ask advice from in this area)
At one point, our conversation went very close to this, in my attempt to relate his concern to areas he'd understand:
Me: Someone may call you a baby because you suck your thumb. Does that mean that you are a baby, just because they said you were?
Him: No
Me: Someone may call Mommy a crayon because I am so short. But, am I a crayon?
Him: (giggles) No!
(someone actually DID call me a crayon in middle school, but I'm definitely not holding a grudge...lol)
We went on from there, but as I was talking I said to him, "People are going to say and think all sorts of things about you. You cannot control what others say about you. Some people will say and think nice things and others will say and think mean things-this does not mean those things are true or that they define who you are. You have to choose to believe that what you know about yourself. Most importantly, you can find comfort in knowing that the only thing that REALLY matters is what God thinks about you, and he absolutely adores you." (I might have also added some mushy mommy love in there too...)
I used kid language of course, but it didn't deviate very much from what you just read. And he got it, he truly got it. His questions and comments back to me showed me that without a doubt, he is coming to understand that others may not always think about him what he would want them to but that's ok-
We talked about a few other things-the hundredth day of school coming up, why bad things happen on Earth, etc...but my mind was beginning to wander. As I was speaking those words to him earlier, I was soaking them in myself. Since I'm an open book here, I like to be honest about my struggles.
I am slap dab in the middle of a lifelong struggle with worrying about what people think of me. By the grace of God, this struggle that once consumed me, has greatly decreased. But from time to time, I have an episode where I get caught up in something, usually something ridiculous and I have a difficult time moving on. I will worry myself sick over what someone thinks about me, how I choose to handle my children's behavior, what I allow them to eat or drink and what time I allow them to eat or drink it, how I perform when I am leading out in something, whether I choose to vacation without one or both of my children, whether I let my child sleep in my bed or not (I do-guilty!), the list goes on and on and on...
Nine times out of ten, I am completely confident and comfortable with whatever issue/decision I've made, yet I will become consumed with what someone else thinks about my decisions in that area after having a conversation with them. Following me? This happens so very little these days, and I'm so thankful for how God's grown me in that area. But, I'm human and from time to time I struggle-
And folks-I'm there. Not because of the inconsideration of someone else, but because of allowing my own thoughts to run free. Not because someone said something to me about my decision being the wrong one, but because I think they may possibly, maybe probably, could very well tentatively think I'm wrong and feel the need to talk about it, with someone else. GASP!
Even I realize how silly this seems, but with every individual struggle, when you are in the middle of it-it's real to you. (despite the fact that your idea of what their opinion is could be absolutely made up in your head!)
God's been showing me some of my idols lately, and one of them is truly what others opinions of me are. When I am so focused on the opinions of others who may have a different way or doing something or a different theory about how it should be done, I am essentially saying that what they think of me, what they say about me, is more important than what God says about me. And when I consider it that way, it breaks my heart, because oh how I want to be so immersed in His love and His truths, that there is no room for consumption of other idols.
I have to believe that because I am a woman who seeks Him in everything I do, that the choices I make in how I raise my children, run my home, and other things are choices that are Spirit led, and honoring and pleasing to Him. They may be different than what someone else would do, but that's ok.
So, I have no lesson to leave you with tonight...for the lesson is mine to learn. Always this the case, but I don't typically write when it's so freshly ripe. I'd love to ask you to lift me up in prayer over the next few days. I'm asking God to redirect my thoughts, to help me deeply love those who I feel the most insecure around right now, and to remind me who I am in Him.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Philippians 4:8
Written by a woman who truly does seek God. That's what I (your pastor) think of you. :-)
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