Kindergarten

Kindergarten. It hit me like a ton of bricks tonight. My baby, my precious firstborn, the little person who first made me a mommy, is going to kindergarten.

 I'm trying to figure out how this happened. Weren't the nurses and midwife just screaming orders for an emergency c-section STAT and kicking all our friends and family out of our hospital room?  Wasn't it just moments ago, I was pleading with God, begging Him not to take my child when his heart rate wouldn't come up? Wasn't I just laying on that operating table, so out if it, I couldn't remember what we named him, gazing at his adorable face and trying to make sense of all that had just happened?  Weren't we just holding him a few days old in the wee hours of the night, as we stood in amazement that he was ours?  Didn't I just watch him roll over, crawl, and take his first steps? Didn't we just move him from his crib to a big boy bed? Didn't we just send him off to two year preschool?  And then 3 year preschool?  And then pre-k?  And now? 

 Kindergarten. It looms over me tonight like a gray cloud with rays of sunshine beaming through. You know, the exhilarating ones that are slightly shaded by the grayness of the cloud, allowing you to catch a glimpse of the outlying ridges of the sun itself?  The cloud that intended to bring gloom, but was magnificently out shined by the beauty of the beaming rays of sunshine pressing through.  That's what I feel like right now. 

I'm equally sad and excited. I'm sad that he won't be home with his brother, but excited for all the exciting opportunities coming his way.  I'm equally confident in him and nervous for him. I entertain thoughts on how we will keep him from being exposed to evil, when we have worked hard to keep his heart and mind pure, all the while knowing that he must face difficult times while in this world. How do we make sure he makes good choices as he grows?  What if he gets made fun of? How do we control all the things he will encounter during his school years? 

And then it occurred to me, again. Too many times to count, I've had to take a step back since I've been a mommy and remember that this little boy, the one who steals my heart every day, was never really mine to begin with.  This isn't my battle to fight. He's on loan to us from our Lord. It humbles me to think that God chose Cliff and I, out of all the parents in the world, to grow and nurture his precious baby boy, Walker. 

God spoke to my heart tonight, as he does so often and gently reminded me that He has been with us every step of the way in this journey as Walker's parents so far, He's proven himself faithful in each situation we've faced. He planted within us, when Walker was just a baby, a desire to do family Bible/devotion time together each night. He's given us the dedication and perseverance to stick with it, to feast on Scripture in our home, to model servant hood and loving your neighbors, as biblically defined. He's led us every step of the way to grow up a little boy who has been taught the truths of God's word. He's even begun speaking to Walker's heart, calling him to salvation at age five. (a post coming soon about that!!) He's molded Walker into a little boy who is hungry for the Word of God. (He also graciously allows him to also still act five from time to time...). He promised us in scripture, that if we grow up a child in the way he should go, that when he is old he won't depart from it. I know we've been obedient in that area, and I know God holds to his promises. 

I reflect tonight on God's faithfulness. I'm both sad and excited, but mostly excited. I'm both confident and nervous, but mostly confident. I am certain at times he will face adversity and even make unwise choices. I know he will get hurt and I know he may disappoint us once or twice. But I know who owns his heart, and I know who has promised him mercy, help, love, compassion, healing, grace and forgiveness. His true parent, The Lord above. 

Thank you, Father, for trusting us with your child. The cry of my heart is that he will always remember to whom he belongs. So bring on that gray cloud, I'm always amazed at those exhilarating rays of SONshine blazing through.