"...A Time to Weep, a Time to Dance..." (For Everything, There Is A Season-Part 2)

Years ago, I walked the difficult road of losing a child.  I can remember feeling like I was on a never-ending rollercoaster ride of emotions. I was scared and I was sad. I felt peace and then I didn’t. I willed myself to accept our loss as part of God’s perfect plan, but I was angry. So angry. I can recall not having a clue what to do with all of those emotions, and so I cried. A lot. Weeks passed and the heaviness did not lift, though life around me carried on. Those closest to me, inevitably moved on with their lives as did we. Days would come and days would go. Some were good, others dawned with an over-powering awareness of my empty womb and an unfulfilled desire. Where was God in all of this, I wondered?  With every passing thought of that nature, I stuffed the emotions deeper. Guilt overtook my already fragile emotional state and I willed myself to just accept God’s plan. Oh, how I struggled to do so. I had zero understanding of the truth that God could handle all of that-all the sadness, the confusion, my questioning, the jealousy I harvested toward other moms to be that didn’t lose their baby, the anger...yes, even the anger. God could handle it all. 

 I remember the pivotal moment of releasing that to him, of surrendering it all. It was no beautifully orchestrated alter call moment with a moving song playing in the background, where I’d kneel before Him and cry soft tears. Far from that. In fact, it involved me throwing my Bible across the room full force and screaming at the top of my lungs out in anger at the Lord, because I wanted to pray and feel better and I could not. Words failed me. Frustration overtook me. Everything I felt, all those things, the fear, hurt, confusion, envy and anger all erupted in the moments that followed. Me, alone in my home, crying out...experiencing, probably for the first time in my life, the scripture in Romans that promises that when we don’t know how or what to say, the Spirit Himself intercedes on our behalf with groans that can not be expressed through words. The moments that followed were some of the most beautiful and personal I’ve ever lived through. There, in my utter brokenness, before me, lay my Bible that I’d thrown across the room. It had fallen open to Lamentations upon landing. I picked it up and began to read, and as I read, I wept. Every misunderstanding I had of God up until that moment was clarified through one impending chapter of scripture:

“I remember my affliction and my wandering,

    the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

    and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

    therefore I will wait for him.”

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

    to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

    for the salvation of the Lord.

...Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,

    so great is his love. 

Lamentations 3

In a moment of what I now understand was overwhelming mercy and great evidence of His unconditional love, the Lord, in his gentle compassion, sifted the pages of scripture open to His Words of Hope and promise that He intended to use to begin healing my brokenness.  “Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning.”  Thus began a beautiful love affair of offering my feelings and emotions up to the Lord, handing them back over to the One who placed them within me when He so delicately knit me together. This was a defining moment in my relationship with Him, a moment when His compassion, forgiveness and mercy became alive to me. Tears continued to fall, staining the page and smearing the ink, this time in response to an understanding that Jesus can handle every emotion and feeling that I experience., because he gave them to me. They don’t catch him by surprise, and they aren’t too big for Him. All of them, every last one, met with compassion and a promise of new mercy. Healing begins when we are willing to offer up our hurt to the One who Heals. 

Seasons come and seasons go. Twelve years (this very month) have passed since that night the Lord sealed up in me so personally, his unhindered ability to handle my emotions and heal my broken places.   

Though nothing like what I walked through many years ago, currently, I'm walking through a season that brings drops of sadness. A time of transition in a friendship that is beautiful and sacred to me, one that God Himself hand wrote into my life a few years ago, is beckoning me to once again trust Him with my emotions. As my friend prepares for the exciting change of moving to a new place, it’s hard to let myself feel the pain that comes with change. It's not a loss entirely, for this is a forever friend. However, there are definite moments of grieving the loss of how things have been, and recognizing that soon things will be much different. A new normal that I can’t see, but that I absolutely can trust God with. A covenant friendship which has served as a “safe place” is being trusted back into the hands of the One who provided it, as He takes it to a new and unfamiliar place. Sometimes, everything inside of me wills to stuff the tears and sadness, because that seems easier than giving in to the emotion. It's ironic because our friendship really began in a season of me struggling to trust God with some of my feelings, and she was integral in challenging me and encouraging me to really allow myself to trust Him with my vulnerabilities and friendships. Through all of this, God reminds me that sadness, in the midst of the excitement I also have for her is ok, and for everything, there is a season.  

I think back to that night alone in my living room all those years ago, and the many other times in my walk with the Lord, where feeling those emotions, surrendering those emotions, trusting God with those emotions led to healing...and I’m reminded, that though sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning. 

When you, too, find yourself in a season sprinkled with sadness, let me encourage you to not be afraid to trust God with the deepest emotions of your heart. His loving-kindness far exceeds our ability to “out feel” his compassion, understanding and mercy. Because of His great love, we will not be consumed. His mercies are new every morning. Great is His Faithfulness. 

“For everything, there is a season...

...a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance...” 

Ecclesiastes 3:23

(The actual ink stain from my tears that evening long ago.  This is such a sacred reminder to me...)