Love/Hate Relationship

I really wish that I didn't care so much what others thought about me, or my family for that matter, but I do. This  is part of who I am, and I strongly believe it's what God uses to keep me fully dependent on Him.

 I have a love/hate relationship with my concern over what others think. Most of the time, that concern arises from just feeling like I'm misunderstood, or my children, my husband or a situation we find ourselves in. Maybe even choice we make. Even when I know the truth of who I am, who they are, what we stand for, sometimes a mistake or even just a misspoken word can have me worrying how others perceive me. So silly, in a moment like now when it's not an issue. But so real, when it is. 

Just a minor nudge from the enemy, who knows just when to sneak in a punch at me, how to distract me from Truth for just a moment, can set up camp in my mind and vacation there for a moment. I have to be intentional about allowing these times to be opportunities for growth & strengthening in my relationship with God, because if I'm not, the opinions of others could very easily become an idol in my life. 

Paul speaks of a thorn in his side in 2 Corinthians chapter 12. He's not speaking here of a literal thorn, but rather a figurative one. Oh, how I relate.  We aren't certain what his struggle is, but the lesson for us here is clear. In verses 8-9, Paul tells us that he begged God three times to take this struggle from him.  He just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Don't blame him. It was a pain-probably both literally and physically at times. 

God didn't take his struggle, because He had a greater plan for it. He knew that Paul's thorn would grow him and change him in a way that would keep him completely dependent on God. 

Instead of just relieving him of his thorn, God said to him, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness."  (This has always been one of my life verses). In other words, "just trust me. I'm enough." 

My first thought when I read verses 8-9 every time is, he only asked three times?  Really?  I can't even begin to count the amount of times I've cried out to God to please take the struggle from me. 

Plumb, a Christian band, wrote a song about me... "How many times have you heard me cry out, God please take this? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh I need you, God I need you now..."

That's a joke-they didn't write a song for me, but it sure tells my story in one way or another. 

Having a life struggle is hard sometimes. It's not that it's always an issue, but when it is, it really is.  I've tried to blame it away on this factor or that, but what I honestly believe it boils down to, is that God knows my heart. Just as He knew that Paul needed his struggle to remain humble and completely dependent on Him for strength, He knows how quickly I'm prone to wander off on my own path, depending on my own strength, or the acceptance of those around me. If not reminded of my constant need for guidance and validation from the One who holds a greater plan, I find myself in a mess of emotion and pride, selfishness and defeat. 

It's when I'm at my weakest, that He teaches me the greatest lessons and stretches me the farthest in my faith. It's in those times, I find myself wrecklessly abandoned to and dependent on my Savior.  I wouldn't trade the growth I experience through those times for the hardship ever, though sometimes it takes me a moment or two to find my resolve in that. It's what keeps me close to Him.  It's how He designed me. 

So, I concur with Paul's words in verses 9-10 when he says, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why I delight in weaknesses, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  

Don't mistake that strength for anything that I muster up. It's a strength that comes only from my personal relationship with the Lord. I'm fragile and weak, needy and sensitive constantly in need of His power to rescue me from my own self. 

My power comes from Christ alone. When I'm in battle, I fight the evil One and his band of demons with the Word of God and on my knees in prayer.  "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 

When I fight like this, and my thoughts are obedient to Him, my heart is refreshed, my mind is cleared, the bricks sitting heavily on my chest are lifted and I'm reminded of the only One whose thoughts about me or my family matter. He sees the only thing that really matters-His Son, alive in our hearts shining outward, despite our shortcomings, cleaning up our mishaps and making us new, more and more like Him, day by day. 

With an outcome like that, how can I not love the battle I hate?