Lay Me Down

I caught a glimpse of His glory recently. 

I was on the treadmill, nothing particular on my mind-just enjoying the feeling of doing something healthy for myself, when I had a flashback. A flashback of a year or two ago, to a time when I really didn't like myself very much and there was a good bit of "ugly" in my heart. A time where my actions, words, thoughts, feelings and emotions were driven mostly be insecurity. A time when I sought human approval and acceptance above the unconditional and freely given love, grace and acceptance of my Savior. 

Scripture tells us, that "a good man brings out good things from the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings out evil things from the evil stored in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."

Around a year ago, I began to do a bit of inventory in my own life, a heart check, we can call it. I knew there were some evil things lurking in my heart-some unforgiveness that was crippling me, some revenge I wanted to seek, some jealousy, envy, insecurity, and even some idolatry. As I looked deep into my heart, I did not like what I saw. I began praying, and things got harder. This time last year I faced one of the most difficult seasons of my life. 

As I continued to detest the ugly parts of me, and seek God in prayer, I started asking Him to free me from particular areas of sin in my life. Insecurity was number 1. It's something I've always struggled with, but it became THE dominating force in my life. I could hear myself say things that I knew I was saying as a result of an insecure thought that was brooding inside me, taking root in my heart and viciously spreading to every limb of my body.  I knew I could no longer live this way.  I began to beg God to clean me up, to give me a new heart. 

As God always is, He was faithful. In perhaps the darkest point of my adult life, He began to heal me. I experienced an awakening in my life-a truer understanding of His love for me. I wrote in January about an experience I had in worship where I felt a physical lifting of my insecurities from me and heard his promise that it was finished. It was one of the most magnificent experiences of my life. 

Walking on the treadmill a few weeks ago, I looked back at that girl. She's a stranger to me now.

 I was overcome gratitude and in awe of what The Lord had done. No longer are my choices, words and actions driven by insecure thoughts or the desire to seek approval. No longer do I put up walls or drive wedges in between friendships and relationships. No longer do I see change, hard times or mishaps as a reflection of what I lack as a person. No longer do I accept thoughts of being not good enough. No longer do I obsess over, or even entertain thoughts of what others must think of me.

"That" girl did, and my heart broke for her. 

Do I ever feel insecure?  Sure. A tiny bit here and there. But the work God has done in my life has been magnificent. Not many can even know the extent of it, because not many even knew the inner workings of my heart and thoughts. I'm thankful for the "Aaron and Hur" I had by my side through the healing process, but even then there were things that stayed between God and I. Special moments of confession and healing meant only for He and I to share. Today, I live by the knowledge I have of who I am in Him. 

I believe in allowing me to look back and see myself then, He was showing something special...just for me. He was showing me His glory. I began to praise Him as I walked, for the work He has done in my heart. He's no where near finished, but I'm no where close to where I was. I love that. I just love that. I think from time to time God shows himself to us in a personal way-a way that is intended just for us. I am so thankful he gave me an extra reason to praise Him that day. 

Powerful things happen when you approach the cross of Jesus, when you begin to turn over every part of yourself to him. For me, last January, He brought me to the cross where I finally laid "me" down and He began to rid me of myself as I found myself in Him. 

All the things I once held at such high importance, I now count as loss. There is nothing more fulfilling, no joy more complete, nothing as securing as knowing who you are in Christ. Absolutely nothing. 

Thank you Jesus, for loving me when there wasn't much to love. Thank you for providing me with people to hold me up and point me to you during that time. Thank you for bringing me to my knees, and for waking me up. Please continue to make my heart pure. 

"Create in me a pure heart O God, renew a steadfast spirit within me."