Take Me Back
No one (in their right mind, anyway) really enjoys revisiting past hurts. That makes sense. The rainbow of healing that shines after the pain of a storm in your life leaves you ready to move forward, with a smile on your face and a broken heart mended. That's how it should be.
Or so I thought. And still do think. Though recently I have been challenged to revisit a hard place. A time of heartbreak, confusion, anger and darkness for me...a very painful place I resided in the midst of a very exciting and joyful time in my life.
I haven't shared on my blog about this storm. In fact, with the exception of my husband and the very few people I let in during this time, no one really knows the extent of what I experienced. Though I am far removed from it , the memories of the feelings I experienced during this time of my life still hurt. Deeply. And most of the time, I simply cannot let my memory go back there. I can't allow my thoughts to wander to some of the things I thought and felt. It just hurts. Deeply.
I have many pictures from this time, because on the outside it was a very joyful time for our family. And on the inside it was too, though I was silently at battle in a major spiritual war. It's hard to understand how one could be so happy and hurt so much at the same time. There are days where it physically hurts me to look at those pictures taken during this time. It just does. The pain of the emotions and thoughts I couldn't control then, strike me with such force that I physically ache in my chest. The memory of how real they felt, even though I could verbally tell myself they weren't real thoughts is still raw. I knew I didn't truly feel or believe the things my mind was telling me. Yet, I still felt them. And that confused me and it hurt me. It changed me.
There are other moments when I reflect back on that time with joyful memories. I am able to clear my mind of the sickening feelings I experienced and be reminded of all the good that also accompanied the storm. That happens more and more these days. In fact, most of my memories of that particular time in my life are now of the good moments-the priceless moments. Healing within me, by the grace of God, is nearing completion. Learning to forgive myself is one of the hardest things I have ever learned.
As far as sharing more, I still can't "go there" publicly yet. Maybe one day. It's just all too personal.
But for now, my heart and mind are venturing into the hurtful places of my life. The puddles caused by the storm-the dark, murky, disgusting puddles. And I'm splashing. Or learning to splash, anyway. Because it's there, in those puddles, where I am reminded of times of great displays of God's faithfulness. It's revisiting the hurts, the pain of miscarriage, the grieving of lost friendships, the recognition of my "fault" in a situation I've always blamed someone else for, the scars of insecurity, the suffocating memory of postpartum depression that remind me of just how faithful my Heavenly Father is to me.
When people ask me how I can have such strong faith, I'm simply baffled. How can I not?
Quite simply put, the greatest times of healing and growth in my life have followed some of the biggest storms I've faced. Never once has The Lord forsaken me. Never once did He decide not to show up. Never once did He allow me to falter in trusting Him. Never once has my hurt been in vain. Never once have I looked back and not been able to see the purpose behind the hurt. Never once has he allowed me to experience hurt and heartbreak without reviving me both physically and emotionally. And by golly, most of the time a huge blessing results from what I thought in the moment nothing good could ever come of. I am redeemed.
So I'm looking back to be reminded. Reminded of who He is in my life and what He is done. I'm looking back, so I don't forget. When the next storm comes, I have all this ammunition. The ammunition of experience and knowledge that The Lord is good. That He works everything together for MY good. Taste and see! He is SO good!
Even though sorrow and heartbreak may last through the storm, His joy really does come in the morning. Just wait for it. Ride out the darkness and cling to Him. You do NOT want to miss the morning.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion: therefore I will wait on Him."
Lamentations 3:23-24
Or so I thought. And still do think. Though recently I have been challenged to revisit a hard place. A time of heartbreak, confusion, anger and darkness for me...a very painful place I resided in the midst of a very exciting and joyful time in my life.
I haven't shared on my blog about this storm. In fact, with the exception of my husband and the very few people I let in during this time, no one really knows the extent of what I experienced. Though I am far removed from it , the memories of the feelings I experienced during this time of my life still hurt. Deeply. And most of the time, I simply cannot let my memory go back there. I can't allow my thoughts to wander to some of the things I thought and felt. It just hurts. Deeply.
I have many pictures from this time, because on the outside it was a very joyful time for our family. And on the inside it was too, though I was silently at battle in a major spiritual war. It's hard to understand how one could be so happy and hurt so much at the same time. There are days where it physically hurts me to look at those pictures taken during this time. It just does. The pain of the emotions and thoughts I couldn't control then, strike me with such force that I physically ache in my chest. The memory of how real they felt, even though I could verbally tell myself they weren't real thoughts is still raw. I knew I didn't truly feel or believe the things my mind was telling me. Yet, I still felt them. And that confused me and it hurt me. It changed me.
There are other moments when I reflect back on that time with joyful memories. I am able to clear my mind of the sickening feelings I experienced and be reminded of all the good that also accompanied the storm. That happens more and more these days. In fact, most of my memories of that particular time in my life are now of the good moments-the priceless moments. Healing within me, by the grace of God, is nearing completion. Learning to forgive myself is one of the hardest things I have ever learned.
As far as sharing more, I still can't "go there" publicly yet. Maybe one day. It's just all too personal.
But for now, my heart and mind are venturing into the hurtful places of my life. The puddles caused by the storm-the dark, murky, disgusting puddles. And I'm splashing. Or learning to splash, anyway. Because it's there, in those puddles, where I am reminded of times of great displays of God's faithfulness. It's revisiting the hurts, the pain of miscarriage, the grieving of lost friendships, the recognition of my "fault" in a situation I've always blamed someone else for, the scars of insecurity, the suffocating memory of postpartum depression that remind me of just how faithful my Heavenly Father is to me.
When people ask me how I can have such strong faith, I'm simply baffled. How can I not?
Quite simply put, the greatest times of healing and growth in my life have followed some of the biggest storms I've faced. Never once has The Lord forsaken me. Never once did He decide not to show up. Never once did He allow me to falter in trusting Him. Never once has my hurt been in vain. Never once have I looked back and not been able to see the purpose behind the hurt. Never once has he allowed me to experience hurt and heartbreak without reviving me both physically and emotionally. And by golly, most of the time a huge blessing results from what I thought in the moment nothing good could ever come of. I am redeemed.
So I'm looking back to be reminded. Reminded of who He is in my life and what He is done. I'm looking back, so I don't forget. When the next storm comes, I have all this ammunition. The ammunition of experience and knowledge that The Lord is good. That He works everything together for MY good. Taste and see! He is SO good!
Even though sorrow and heartbreak may last through the storm, His joy really does come in the morning. Just wait for it. Ride out the darkness and cling to Him. You do NOT want to miss the morning.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, The Lord is my portion: therefore I will wait on Him."
Lamentations 3:23-24
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