Who Am I?

(Originally posted January 1, 2012)

By nature, I am a follower. I was born into this world a follower, have made so many choices in my life based on my desire to follow and be accepted, both good and bad, made the life-changing decision to follow Jesus when I was younger, I follow directions to recipes hoping that the magical chef fairy will grant me success, I follow my GPS when I haven't a clue where I am going, I follow you. I follow her. I follow him.

By nature, most of us are followers. Many don't want to admit they are followers, but they are. I for one, have no problem confessing that I am just a plain ole' copy cat. And a good one at that! I am slap out of good ideas of my own, in fact I've rarely had them. Rather have relied on the good ideas of others, to be adapted and molded into good ideas for me. But, I'd venture to assume that with the exception of the few of you who possess the flair for creativity, you are a follower too. Yes, you.

Take Pinterest for example. Pinterest has swept the nation in the past several months...ok, maybe not the "nation..." but definitely females in my age group who get all giggly inside when they find a new idea they just HAVE to have! I've found some wonderful ideas on Pinterest...copied some wonderful ideas on Pinterest. I have made a few delectable dishes from Pinterest that I am so glad are now a part of my life. I've found a few organizational ideas from Pinterest that are making my life easier, I've found birthday planning ideas, ideas for others, things I want my house to eventually come, and even ideas to begin the birthing of plans scarcely followed through with-an inviting backyard (going on 8 years now), a reconstructed playroom (this one's been on the list since pretty much the playroom existed!), organized closets, crafts for grandparents. When I need ideas, Pinterest is where I go.

I copy style...I am thankful for this because I have no style! Looking and learning from, imitating the style of others, helps me to better pull off an outfit than I could on my own. Unfortunately this is an area I really possess no natural talent of my own!

I copy ideas other teachers use, in order to more effectively meet the needs of my students. On a side note, I do believe I possess a good amount of talent in teaching-it's what God intended for me to do, and He's fully equipped me for it!

As a young first time mother, I copied, copied, copied. I copied advice from books, I did everything just the way the pediatrician recommended, I did almost verbatim what a best friend in the same place in life as I was did, I copied, copied copied. Until I learned a lot of the things I was copying as a mother, just weren't me. That's the problem with copying-we become like someone or something else.

And so it happens sometimes, while some copying and imitating can be completely innocent and beneficial, other instances can be idolatry, other instances can hide who God created you to be, other instances can hurt, tear down, isolate, cause insecurity, cause you to make choices that aren't choices you would make on your own at all...or at least that you'd like to think you wouldn't.

So, I have to ask myself...who am I imitating? Who do I want to look like? And in my heart, the answer is clear, though I fear it may be hidden to some of you so many times. I want to look like Jesus. I want to imitate Jesus. I want to be so fully wrapped in Him that you can't REALLY know me, if you don't know Him.

(those of you who are tempted to stop reading now, please don't...)

It's no secret that my closest relationships are those that have Christ at the center, those that I can spend hours talking with about what God's doing in our lives, those who I call on when I need encouragement that can only come from another person earnestly seeking God. My soul refreshers-and you are precious to me. So many I admire...one friend stands out above almost anyone. She told me in college that if I wanted to be like someone, I had to take on all aspects of that person, not just the good. She's constantly lived out a life faithful to Christ, she's been thrown in the lions' den, she's been in the desert, she's been throw out of the boat, and she's walked on water, because she's never lost sight. She's battled depression, losses of children, not once but twice, she's faced adversity like you would just not believe. When I look at her, how she conducts her household, her finances, her marriage, her friendships, her loyalty I see Christ. Every. Single. Time. Now, SHE is someone I want to be like. But even her, in all her worldly goodness, is nothing compared to the One I ultimately want to follow.

What do I want in 2012? I want to change the world. Or at least my world. But I simply cannot change the world if I look like the world. And I am afraid, in more ways than I would like to admit I look just like the world. So, my prayer for this new year is that Christ Jesus would mold me into the child and follower He intends me to be. That I would let go of the things that hinder me from recklessly pursuing Him, and that when I get the itching to be a copy cat, to do something new, to imitate someone else, when I worry too much about what others think, or if that comment that was made was secretly in some way about me, or when I want to majorly blow something out of proportion, or when I feel like I have to do it all, be at it all, make it all, in order to have an acceptance from humans, that my Lord would be the one I turn to. Because He is, after all, who I am living for. Being like others, or being liked by others simply doesn't really matter. Being loved by others, being accepted by others, you are not my friend. LOVING others, being ACCEPTING of others, showing Jesus to others in my words, actions and existance, now THAT's what I want to be about! Surely I will fail you, surely I will say words that hurt you, surely at times I won't have time for you because my life is crazy, surely at times I will slip, surely at times I will allow my pride to overcome me and have to have the last word, surely at times I will disappoint, surely at times I will wonder if you are talking about me, surely at times I will feel like I am not enough, surely, surely, surely. Because I was born a sinner, someone who simply does not have it all together, someone who puts myself above anything else so often. But being a Christian isn't about having it all together. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's about knowing that you don't. At all. And knowing that there is a gift out there called grace. A gift called forgiveness. A gift that can forever change your eternity, a gift that matters. A gift that is REAL. A gift that saves. A gift that brings redemption, freedom, protection, provision, security, true identity, resolution, forgiveness, mercy, peace and joy. A gift that brings life. Today, the first day of 2012, I choose to remember that gift. To remember the giver and to be about living my life in imitation of Him.

"Be imitators of Christ, therefore as dearly loved children, and live a life of love, just as Christ Jesus loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5: 1-2

(on a side note, this was so heavily on my heart that I got up from my nap to come and write it down.)