When You Realize You've Changed

This time last year, I was not winning any mother of the year awards for sure. 

I think it's safe to say that I had simply "lost" myself in motherhood. The joy of raising two little ones was replaced by the drowning feeling of just not having anything left-not being enough. 

My patience resevoir had been exhausted. Their usual childhood antics were too much for me. I was explosive on a small scale, over reactive, quick to condemn and far, far from the mother I wanted to be. And sadly, I camped out there for around three months-much too long. When I spoke to my closest friends about my children, only negative comments came from my mouth. I could hear myself and hear the ugly and was so, so saddened by it. But I was overwhelmed and stretched and they were a safe place for me. I remember asking a very close friend who wasn't a mommy if her other close friend ever griped about her children the way I did.  Her honest answer stung-"no, not really." I think it was in that moment that I realized how in my selfishness of finding in her a "safe place," I was doing much damage to her perspective of having children and the joy it brings. Thankfully, she knew I loved my children. She'd been there when I became a mommy and again when I became a mommy of two. She watched me suffer with post partum depression, and loved me through it. She knew me as a mommy before this dark place that I resided in. She also knew my own personal struggles. But, I wondered, what if all she had to go on was our recent conversations?  Would she know the joy that filled my heart and overflowed because of being their mommy?  And the answer to that devastated me. 

I remember the night I realized I had to change. I remember my heart breaking as I lay in bed between the two of them, tears running down my face as I laid one of each of my hands on each of them and begged God to allow me another day of being their mommy, another day to prove to them that I adored them, that they were my world, another day to react more calmly to situations that may arise, another day to give them happy memories to remember me by, begged Him for another chance to be the godly mother they deserved and that I so desired to be. 

They were, after all, my whole heart. I thought about them constantly, couldn't wait to get home each day to see them, loved them so much it hurt. But when I walked in the doors of this house, something inside of me went cold. This hurt and it made no sense to me. What was my problem? 

Sure there were some out of the ordinary things going on in our life. Money was growing increasingly tighter. Will was screaming himself to sleep for two hours every single night for months on end. (I'm not kidding) Cliff and I had very little time to connect during this phase and weren't communicating wonderfully either, Walker was acting out and testing me in a way he never had before. Those things combined were enough to send me into a downward spiral, but there were greater issues. 

I'm still not sure of every root of every thing I was dealing with a year ago, but I do know that those couple months I was not myself, nor was I fully leaning on the only One who could satisfy me. 

I wrote about coming out of this dark time last January and officially published it on this blog last February. (Feel free to look back if you don't remember or didn't catch it the first time-)

I began praying to God specifically to change me, to mold me into the mom he desired me to be, to make me a mom who loved much, forgave much, laughed much, build them up, and depended on Him much. I asked Him to restore my joy in motherhood, and to take away my insecurities. 

The change was gradual, though quick at the same time. Immediately I started recognizing inward signs of the work He was doing. Things no one else could probably notice at the time. I worked to be intentional about not complaining about the kids to anyone, even if I wanted to and even if they were driving me crazy. I also made a point to begin trying to undo some of the damage I had done, and worked diligently to make sure I said positive and affirming things both to them and about them to others. And, it was easier than I thought. Because as I began to focus on those things, I remembered all the reasons I love being a mom. 

Mid-summer I said to a friend that I felt like God had done so much work in my life in many ways in the past year-especially in the area of my insecurities and my parenting. Since then, it's only gotten even better. 

My reactions were more appropriate, messes didn't bother me, crying became a normal part of being a toddler and not something that pushed me over the edge, I realized that in order to address some of Walker's behaviors I needed to address his heart, just as God was addressing my own heart and changing my behaviors. I learned not to take my frustrations of being less than the mom I wanted to be out on the boys and Cliff, and I learned to let go of my insecurities and find my worth in God alone. It's amazing how much finding myself in Him changed me-I think that was the biggest product of change. My insecurities consumed me and caused every area of my life to suffer. 

I love that moment when you suddenly realize the work God has done. Something about this week, has done that for me-when I think about the kind of mother I am, the way I treat my kids, the words I speak to them, the time I spend with them, the way I talk about them, the way they make me feel, the smiles we share when words don't have to be spoken, the way I think they'd describe me now, I feel amazing. I feel adequate. I feel confident. I feel content. I feel accomplished. I feel like I am bursting at the seams with joy that I am their mommy.  I feel as if I'm doing a good job with them. I feel healed. 

Mostly though, I feel a strong awareness of a God who is faithful and merciful, who hears our cries for help and rescues us. He and he alone pulled me from a very dark place, and sat me down firmly in his light. Though the memories of that time are painful, when I look at my boys' little faces and see the way they look back at me, I know I am their safe place and I know that's how they will remember me. I give all praise and glory to the only One who could take the mess I had made and make it into something beautiful. 

Those days, over a year ago seem so foreign to me. I am thankful for them though, difficult as they were, because they are a reminder of God's redeeming grace. Today my house is filled with laughter, fun times and happy memories. Sure, I get frustrated. Who doesn't?  It's part of life, but the Giver of Life has taught me how to handle those frustrations. 

This week, leading in to Thanksgiving, I am thankful that God loved me too much to leave me where I was. 

I've got plenty of room to grow,  but I have full confidence that I'm a pretty awesome mom, by the grace of God. :)

(PS- Many may wonder why I share so much. I'll tell you this-through the experience I wrote about above, God has built friendships and helped me reach out to other moms who have been in or are currently in similar situations. I share because I know that what satan intends for harm, God uses for good. Moms need other moms. We need to know we are normal and not alone. The old me would wonder what you thought of me after reading this, but the newer me just prays it will speak to someone, so they will know they aren't alone, and so they will see how God heals. My whole intention of this blog is to give Him glory-and I am willing to tell whatever I need to about my muddy places, to bring Him the glory He is so worthy of.)